Fifth Week in Review: New Years Resolutions

Five weeks down! And now that January is over I have made it through my first month!  Here’s my summation of my progress.

1. Use my exercise bike every day. I had to do some catch up this week but got back on track. And now I have even more of a desire to keep up with this since it will help me with my fencing training.
2. Use my arm weights every day. I had to do some catch up this week but got back on track. And now I have even more of a desire to keep up with this since it will help me with my fencing training.
3. Write at least two blog posts a week. Though I don’t use it to write actual posts, it is nice having WordPress’ app on my phone so I can write down title ideas for posts throughout the week. Then I already have a jumping off point for when I actually sit down to write.
4. Find (and hopefully start) a new job in 2018. My dad is putting me in touch with one of his colleagues who has a lot of experience with Congress so it will be very interesting to hopefully sit down with him and see how I can become more involved. If anything I can make sure that I am a better and more informed voter by the time the midterm elections roll around!
5. Say Yes and No quicker. I am go glad that I finally said yes to myself and overcame my hesitancy to take advantage of the fencing class that Weifang bought me for Christmas. Though I was the oldest at my first class and have a lot to learn I am so excited to take part in a sport that I have long admired.
6. Use social media more effectively. I have really enjoyed using SnapChat more recently to keep better in touch with friends who use this social media more often than other means of keeping in touch. I will never use it enough to make long stories but being able to send Moe temporary funny pictures to folks has been great.
7. Drink more water. I fell off the wagon a bit with this this week since I did not adequately plan for having time to drink water when I was busy or distracted during the week. I hope to be better at this in the coming week since it is this behavior that has led me to not drink enough water in the first place.
8. Call a/on different friend once a week. I checked in on a couple of friends over the phone this week to see how they were doing after tough weeks. It felt good to be able to catch up with them and make sure they were doing all right. I am planning on catching up with another dear friend over lunch during National Harbor’s restaurant week on Saturday which is sure to be a good time.
9. Stay in touch, above all, with how [I] feel. Some of the courses that I was listening to on Lynda.com involved being a better listener and how to deal with difficult situations. It is hard learning things about yourself that you realize you could have done better or recognizing behavior that you don’t like in others in yourself. But at least by recognizing it now I can work to make my behavior reflect how I truly am and what I aspire to be. And it will help me have more empathy when dealing with others which is extremely important.
10. Study Chinese at least four hours a week. I didn’t study as much of this as I would have liked this week. But I am able to recognize more words when my husband speaks to me and able to use more words in conversation so I am on the right path!
11. Be even more intimate with my husband. Now that we are in the month of Valentine’s Day I need to figure out my plan. It sounds so unsexy but since we are both busy people and I should be the one to take the initiative since this is all largely on me I will do my best to find a day where we can just enjoy each other.
12. Stick to the budget my husband and I make. Even with paying for our vacation we saved around $200! Every little bit is a great achievement and I cannot wait to keep working towards our goal of saving around $800-1,000 when we do not have any big trips planned.

Third Week in Review: New Year’s Resolutions

Three weeks down! Here’s my summation of my progress.

1. Use my exercise bike every day. Still riding along! I did more of a balance between my exercise bike and my pedal machine this week so that hopefully has helped different muscles get some love.
2. Use my arm weights every day. I took my husband’s advice about doing three reps of ten rather than all thirty at once and it goes much smoother! I didn’t exhaust myself as much with lifting the weights over my head so onward and upward.
3. Write at least two blog posts a week. This week was a good one for remembering gratitude and venting, two things that I enjoy using writing for since it helps me stay focused on the positive and get out the negative without complaining too much.
4. Find (and hopefully start) a new job in 2018. I turned in two applications this week!! My dad helped me proofread my cover letters and reformat my resume so we shall see what happens. It was really nice to look at all that I have accomplished so here’s to the next step!
5. Say Yes and No quicker. A friend invited my husband and I to dinner and me to a comic convention and I was able to get back to her right away rather than just sitting on it. Felt good and my anxiety was for naught since my husband was up for the dinner! I don’t want to make it seem like he isn’t he usually is and I respect him knowing his own mind when he says no. I am still trying to get out of that mindset that we need to always accept couple invitations; sometimes only one of us wants to go and that is okay!
6. Use social media more effectively. Whelp I didn’t end up deleting my Twitter. I might just let it lie for now since it isn’t doing any harm by just sitting there. It was good to reflect last week on how it bums me out when my posts don’t get hits so now I know to leave it alone unless that is a good medium rather than just posting on it willy nilly.
7. Drink more water. I am still working on my third plant. I did okay this week but I feel like I need to be more aggressive in pursuing this goal. One way I could do this is by immediately drinking when the two hour reminder hits. I haven’t been using this as a format to get all six cups in so I will try this out this week and see how it goes.
8. Call a different friend once a week. I had a great phone call with Joe and Laura on Monday and called my friend Carolyn on her birthday on Friday which gave her a pleasant surprise. This was in person but I caught up with my friend Sara over yoga (with kittens!) and tea on Saturday as well.
9. Stay in touch, above all, with how [I] feel. I had some more time to reflect on behaviors that bother me this week. I don’t like it when people automatically se the negative in things. I do this from time to time (science tells us that we don’t like behaviors in others that we see in ourselves) so my hands are not clean. But I have been noticing it more recently in friends and I just wish that they could enjoy the moment more rather than seeking to find faults. Yes it would be nice if there were more options available during an activity we did or that it was less expensive or numerous other things. But enjoy it for what it is and next time we can take those factors into account. If anything it makes me feel bad that I suggested something in the first place if most of what you say is a complaint. Additionally, I read an article that has had a similar theme for the past year and a half, namely folks in the government quitting because they don’t agree with Trump’s policies. This article was about a commission that works for the National Park Service. On the one hand, I appreciate them standing up for their principles and making a public statement and display about it. But on the other hand, I don’t want them to leave when the going gets tough. I want them to fight from the inside and protect those interests that they believe are under threat. Because that is what I hope to do one day. Make no mistake I do not want to leave my job simply because I want more money or that I disagree with the mission. I agree with the mission, just not enough in my opinion is being done to carry that mission forward. So I say to these people this: I respect you and I know just how frustrating that can be, but we need you now more than ever.
10. Study Chinese at least four hours a week. I fell a little bit behind on this this week but have been continuing to learn new words (I filled up a whole notebook!). I know that I am making progress and am on the right path because now it is easier for me to not only memorize words but recognize words’ meanings since I can recognize the individual characters that make up words. This is super exciting!
11. Be even more intimate with my husband. I am shirking on this goal and I feel bad. But I have been doing some inward exploring as to what my hang-ups are and that has been quite enlightening. This goal in particular is where outward expectations are interfering with my inward peace and, ultimately, happiness so armed with this knowledge I can proceed from here.
12. Stick to the budget my husband and I make. I felt a bit guilty this week for buying some expensive make up but at least you get what you pay for because this stuff is fantastic. My husband told me that we didn’t have to live like we are poor so that prompted a nice discussion about furthering out budget goals. And we have bought tickets for a vacation in February! So there is a good goal for saving money so we can live it up!

Life Isn’t Perfect, But It’s Mine

I found this cute picture on Pintrest a long time ago. While my husband and I were dating I gave it to him, detailing how even then I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. On that score, this is absolutely true. Barring a disaster I fully intend to always be with him and together I know we will have a great life.

But the problem with lists like this, both in print and in one’s head, is that things do not go according to plan. I am always quick to jump in and say that I am not a perfectionist since it has such a negative connotation but I do like to plan and I do get bent out of shape when things don’t go my way (though thankfully much less than I used to).

These check marks might be cute but they can set you up for failure emotionally. For example, though it doesn’t get that granular we have not yet had a honeymoon. This has been due to a variety of factors: money, green cards, and unexpected family visits. All of which are valid and, at times necessary, delays. But it still bums me out that I have not checked this off the list (especially since we deserve a vacation!).

Similarly, we are entering that stage in our lives when we are thinking about having children and, at times, are being pressured to. As anyone who is a parent will tell you there is no way you can fully prepare which terrifies me as a planner. So I am not sure how those check marks will turn out. I will likely not be ready. There will likely be outside unsolicited advice as to what I should be doing once I have children. But all I know is that in one respect this picture is right. It will be my husband and I supporting each other and raising our children with all the love we can muster.

So maybe we won’t hate as an idyllic picture of brining our baby home or sending them off to school (if that is even the path they choose so in that sense the picture is trying to bring me down a path that I don’t know will be the right fit for them). Maybe instead of a honeymoon we will wait until the last step on this picture and have it be a retirementmoon. I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me to not stick to “THE PLAN” but honestly each day it feels a little easier not to. My life might not be the traditional perfect but it is mine. And as long as I enjoy it and who I share it with (I can happily say so far so good on both of these!) that is my definition of pretty darn awesome.

First Week in Review: New Years Resolutions

One week down! I have never been particularly good at sticking to resolutions so this year I intend to write down those resolutions and each week frankly assess my progress. Here we go!

1. Use my exercise bike every day. So far so good! I have been riding two miles every day and my husband has been doing so as well since we are competitive. I try to do this in the morning but as long as I get around to it before I go to bed that works for me!
2. Use my arm weights every day. Ditto to above! I have been using this workout by Olympic swimmer Dara Torres and it has been great! My arms hurt but hey that means I am making progress.
3. Write at least two blog posts a week. Today is helping me fulfill this goal! I need to be better at writing as soon as I have a good idea but this week was all about trying to get used to the other goals on this list so I am still within the week! Plus, at least for my gratitude post, it was nice to keep it until the end since so much great stuff happened to me after Monday so it wouldn’t have been captured right away.
4. Find (and hopefully start) a new job in 2018. This obviously won’t happen overnight. But I am taking advantage of a relatively light schedule at work to have informational interviews which has been wonderful to learn more about what I can do ay my current job to build up my skill set and see what is available in the education field.
5. Say Yes and No quicker. This goal needs some context. Though I still get back to people within 48 hours (which is a lot quicker than a lot of people) I always feel bad when I don’t get back to people right away when they invite me to do something. Usually this is because I am not sure if I want to go but don’t want to hurt feelings (especially since it is rare that I am not the one initiating plans) and also I am not sure that my husband will want to do the thing (he is very up front about whether or not he wants to do stuff and is always supportive if I want to do something on my own so I am not sure why this is such a sticking point for me). I didn’t need to act on this goal this week but this is super important to me going forward.
6. Use social media more effectively. This week I have been working on posting on different platforms, including practicing my Chinese on WeChat and Weibo. But I need to get better, especially with LinkedIn which will help me with Goal #4 as well.
7. Drink more water. I downloaded Plant Nanny to help me have outward accountability (I don’t want to kill my plant!) and I have been doing decent. I am supposed to drink six glasses a day and I have been doing pretty well but there have been a couple days were I just felt super saturated so I only drank 3or 4 glasses. But honestly even this is still better than where I was so as long as I make it halfway through my goal each day I will be happy.
8. Call a different friend once a week. My friend Paige actually beat me to the punch this week and called me so that was a wonderful surprise to catch up! Plus, I am continuing my habit of always responding to texts in a timely manner since I want to continue to treat folks how I want to be treated.
9. Stay in touch, above all, with how [I] feel. If you recall I wrote a blog post about a fortune cookie that I got last year and I am doing my best to follow this advice. I have been talking about things that annoy me more and right away so they can’t sit in my head and fester. But rather than venting to whomever I have been talking to colleagues and friends who can empathize and offer solutions rather than get into a cycle of complaining. Topics this week include how bureaucratic work has been and the current administration.
10. Study Chinese at least four hours a week. Between a slow schedule at work and y passion for studying in general I have exceeded this goal this week (though I did not actually count the hours). I am hoping I don’t fall off the wagon with this like I have done in the past couple of years so I will keep you posted!
11. Be even more intimate with my husband. I was on my period which never makes me feel particularly sexy but all of the kissing and cuddling this week has been fantastic (not that we ever have a problem with this). I am looking forward to this goal most of all.
12. Stick to the budget my husband and I make. My husband and I updated our Excel and made a plan this week so I am hopeful that we will be able to save even more! However, I did feel a little guilty that I bought a couple fun things for myself this weekend but my husband was super supportive and didn’t mind at all so this was more self-inflicted. Besides, it is good to support small businesses so while I am not going to go crazy I definitely want to make my small purchases count in the grand scheme.

Twin Cycle of Worries: Money and Babies

Today just seems like a good day to get things off my chest. Both of these topics will likely feature in other future posts but as they have come up a lot this year I want to use the catharsis of writing to put my thoughts down on paper and start thinking about how best to mitigate them.

Obviously my husband and I are at that age where our friends are having babies, our families are at least asking (and at times outright demanding) about babies, and we are also discussing when we want to have babies. And we would like to have them sooner rather than later, no question. But we have two concerns.

One, which might be affecting me more than my husband, is the fear that I won’t be able to raise my child or children in the way that I want. Because let’s face it no matter how many people you talk to or books you read, or anything like that there is no one right way to raise kids. And, since I believe that having children is a largely selfish endeavor since you are having a child because you want one, you have an obligation to give your children the best possible life they can possibly have. And in turn I think that it is important to also understand that you will learn from your children and they will make you a better person. So of course I have the tried and tested fear that I won’t know what I am doing and will screw it up somehow but hey I’m not unique and there are parent groups for that.

But the other part is making sure that my children get the right blend of both my husband and I’s cultures. I am all for this since I want our kids to be global citizens regardless since having a healthy respect and wonder for the outside world is super important. Plus, I wouldn’t wish late-in-life language learning on anyone. So that isn’t the issue. The issue is that I am pretty sure that certain aspects of Chinese culture will find a champion in my at times extremely overbearing mother-in-law, particularly that grandparents are super hands on and at times actually live with their grown children. Now I am all for on hand grandparents as I did not really have that myself. But there is a difference in asking for help or having people over and having help and thereby opinions on what you are doing for the children forced upon you and I am pretty sure that that is what I will be dealing with. As someone who often shares fake health news articles with us I dread getting into an argument with her about what I should be feeding the baby or how I should teach my kids both languages or a myriad of other details. And this isn’t really a culture thing since this exists everywhere as my friends can attest. That presents a tricky angle to be sure but ultimately it will be a clash of personalities rather than an East vs. West mentality. I truly hope that I am speaking through an anxiety prism on this but I don’t think I am. I will only know after we have children and I just hope that I can bear it and that my husband will rise to the occasion and defend our choices like he claims he will.

A related issue to this is money. Of course a big concern for us in bringing children into this world is that we give them the best life that we can and that will involve money. My husband grew up poor so to him this is extremely important that he can provide for his kids. I grew up the opposite in an upper middle class family so for me there is a different worry that as I did not want for anything I will feel like a failure if I cannot provide my children with the great life I had with vacations each summer and the whole nine. Obviously these things take time to save for but given how the economy is and with the government situation these days things are looking bleak for our generation to live at the style to which most of us were either accustomed, hope to achieve via the “American Dream” or a mixture of both. All we can do for now is do our best to save and stick to a budget even in the face of events we don’t prepare for. All I know is I am teaching my kids about the value of saving and working early since it was wonderful that I was able to take unpaid internships but man does it make me feel inadequate that I don’t know all that much about and therefore am kind of afraid of money or rather the lack of it.

Now this cycles back to my in-laws, who were extremely generous in helping us with the down payment for our house, largely due to the traditional custom in China that the parents help the children get settled. To this day they still can’t believe that I was willing to marry Weifang before he had the big three of a house, car and job, something that is largely unthinkable in China. Now, I have borrowed money from my parents too when my husband was unable to work during his green card application and I fully intend to pay them back once I am able to save more than a few hundred a month. Paying my in-laws back for the house will take longer but of course we can do other things for them in the meantime. Here is where I worry since they are always willing to give us money. I don’t like being beholden to people even in generous circumstances like these. But I can’t help but worry that whomever controls the money controls the decisions and I don’t want to have to go along with arrangements just because my in-laws paid for them. This especially includes when we have children, which my in-laws think will happen sooner if they just throw some money at us. As I said before I will accept help but I don’t want it forced upon me and, frankly, I want to be a parent my children can be proud of by being able to take care of my own family. I don’t want charity and I sure as hell don’t want money with strings attached. I don’t think they have nefarious motives I promise but after being forced to have them as house guests for four months I can’t help but be skeptical.

So what can I do about these? Well aside for having good conversations about these issues with my husband and working on staying on a budget (both things that we have been doing) not much. These are situations where you just have to do the best you and can then roll with the tide once things happen. All I know is I will always do my best to be worthy of my husband since I know I lucked out and as long as we communicate we should be fine. Besides, my friends, after this summer, have all told us that whenever we want to escape should the House Guests for Eternity happen again their beds/couches are open I know I have places to escape to. So that is a big relief. So, as I write this on National Look on the Bright Side Day, I pause to be grateful for my husband, my growing self confidence, my growing willingness to speak my mind and put myself out there, and my caring family who for all their faults are good people who just want the best for us. And that is priceless.

House Guests for Eternity: Remember Love

These past few blog entries are just a taste of the ups and downs of the four months that my in-laws lived with us. I joked with friends that perhaps I would write a book about it and who knows maybe I will. I certainly won’t lack for material in the years ahead to pad it out. And it has been very cathartic to write this out to you all so thank you for your attention and your support.

I thought I would close this series  out (for now) with a lesson so obvious it should have come to me earlier but of course it took having to hear it on a podcast to really make a light bulb go off above my head. In her podcast Happier, specifically #124, Gretchen Rubin and her sister Elizabeth Craft talked about the importance of “remember[ing] love.” As they put it ” When someone is bugging us, often we can re-frame the situation by remembering: this person’s annoying behavior is an expression of love.” This in no way excuses the behavior. I still worry about how my relationship with my in-laws will evolve especially as my Chinese gets better so I will not be able to hold my tongue. But for the most part I can see that this behavior is coming from their own place of fear and hope. Fear that we will leave them behind, hope taht they can help make a better world for their children and eventual grandchildren than they had, the need to make sure that their culture is not forgotten. I hope that I have done a good job in letting them know that they have nothing to fear and that I understand where they are coming from. And that I will always appreciate them for influencing in their own way the wonderful person my husband Weifang has turned out to be. I also hope that when they look at me they too can remember love and see that I am doing my best to fit in and that all I want is to be accepted and treated with respect.

Because, in the end, isn’t that what we all want and need? To love and remember love?

House Guests for Eternity: Who Is Parenting Whom? Bring on the Grandchildren!

My husband and I always joke that having a cat is helping us get prepared to be parents, from feeding her to dealing with tiny creatures jumping on us at ungodly hours of the morning. But, honestly, his parents staying with us for four months likely prepared us even more. We had people sharing our space so we couldn’t get away. We had to give in to whims that didn’t always suit us and man could they get on our last nerve. But still we loved them anyway. And that included when we had to broker between the two of them when drama on both sides of their family caused them to yell at those family members and at each other at all hours, sowing discord in our household. I mean if we can look after two 50 year olds teens should be a breeze.

The main difference between taking care of Weifang’s parents and eventually having children of our own is choice. His parents dropped in on us with little warning and definitely overstayed their welcome. There was little to no choice on our part. We had to take each day as it came and only our love for them and each other kept us sane. Regardless of how scarred my psyche still is after being invaded for four months I am so glad Weifang and I came through this stronger and were able to be each other’s rocks through it all. If that is not one of the joys of parenting and magical aspects of a wonderful marriage I don’t know what is.

One major example that we both had to support each other on came not three days into their visit. And it was the subject of grandchildren. I know, big surprise. Weifang and I are planning to have children soon and we have talked about this with my family, his family, and friends at length. In fact, the last time his parents were here for our wedding we talked about this and they agreed that waiting a few years was fine. The Chinese zodiac was even on our side with the next few animals having good traits. So needless to say we were flummoxed by the fact that this time they decided that we needed to have kids ASAP. After all they had had Weifang when Weifang’s mom was 22. Clearly we were behind and now people were wondering if there was something wrong with us.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so violated that now they were going to try and take away what I consider to be the preeminent and most important choice that I will ever make. Weifang and I want the best for our children. We want to have a great environment for them to grow in and be able to support them in all that they do, not just monetarily but also spiritually and mentally. For someone who constantly brings up her past of being poor and wanting the best for her children, it hurt that my mother-in-law thought that I was damaged in some way since I too want the best and therefore wanted to wait. I am for goodness sake at 22 we were both still in school, something she placed as very important for her children since she could not complete it herself. And we weren’t going to get married for another two years. Why all of a sudden does our desire to be the best we can be make us bad people? I can’t believe that we basically had to restate to them our position and they acquiesced that we were right. I cried for an hour afterwards in our room after this.

I won’t lie, I am still terrified of this conversation. Sure I joke that for every time they mention it I add another six months to our timeline but honestly it is because on top of worrying that I am not good enough because I haven’t had children yet, I worry that I won’t be able to parent my own children. My in-laws are all set to help us out when we do have them and I am incredibly grateful to have both them and my parents, and my aunt who used to work with premature babies and all my friends who have recently had kids to turn to for advice. Don’t ever think otherwise. I will gladly take the help. But only when I need and, most importantly, ask for it  it. Like my choice to decide when I want to have kids, I am afraid that my husband and I will not be allowed to learn how to parent our own children because “mom knows best” or “you must be so tired” or any of those other ways that people will try to worm their way into our new parenthood. I really hope that this is just my anxiety talking and my husband means what he says when he says that it won’t happen and that if it does he will back me up. But I am still unsure. It is hard to stand up to your parents; I’ve gotten my head bitten off enough to prove it. And parenting is scary when you are in charge of this perfect little person. But I hope we have the courage to demand respect for what we want from our parents when it comes to help with our children and the freedom to just be the parents that I know we can and will be with time and support.

 

House Guests for Eternity: Self Esteem, What’s That?

Thankfully this title isn’t in reference to a question my in-laws actually asked me. But it might as well have been. I mentioned previously that Chinese, the people and the language, can be quite direct. Up to a point that is fine, but there is a fine line to be toed and that is in the form of personal appearance. My mother-in-law talks about her weight a lot, mostly in a nonchalant manner. Coming from a culture that does not like to talk about weight unless the person whose weight is being referred to mentions it first, this has always been hard for me. to navigate. But as long as she has been happy with herself or asks for compliments about how much weight she has lost I am happy to oblige.

Being curvier in China was historically associated with wealth but looking at the superstars today you would be hard pressed for that to be the reigning viewpoint now. And, like all parents, Weifang’s parents were determined to make us “fat but not too fat” to prove we were being well fed. Now I wish them the best of luck with this since we are both naturally skinny with high metabolisms but hey I love food so I would hate to disappoint. But what gets me is the “not too fat” part. Like I need to show a food baby but it better disappear before she outfits me in the latest fancy dresses she had had tailored or me. Or that I should stay this size since it is “perfect” and I look good in clothes. Now I love clothes and will likely be around this size for the rest of my life but what about when I have kids and my metabolism slows down? Will I be less than then? According to my mother-in-law I need to wear these dresses as much as possible before I get too fat for them after kids, to which I say challenge fucking accepted. I will wear these afterwards so screw your thoughts on how sexy I will or will not be after I pop out a human.

But that’s not even the worst part. Forget about what I will look like. With the exception of my hair I have always been quite body confident. I have been deathly afraid that the Chinese frankness will come out around people in my life who have struggled with these issues and don’t need a noisy mother-in-law pointing out their flaws. This is the same woman who laughs all the time about her own daughter’s baby fat. I mean really? The hell? Sure it’s fine for her to say things about the random woman we saw at the Chinese grocery store who was living her best life and enjoying some food in the cafe but god forbid I ask her to keep her opinions to herself about my friend who had just gotten married. Please don’t cry those crocodile tears to get attention and say you meant it as a compliment since wealthy people in Chinese history were usually more rotund. You can’t say that in the same breath as saying that I can’t get “too fat” and expect me to believe it. My friend looked beautiful and if you think she didn’t stress about getting into her dress and needed reassurance you would be wrong. I live in fear of her saying anything like that around my mom who hates having her picture taken because she is fat. My mom is not fat she is athletic and takes more after my grandfather who was himself a Navy officer. But she would definitely take it the wrong way if my mother in law said something about her weight. I pray that never happens.

I still am in awe of just how self assured my husband is about himself. Obviously I agree since I think he is super handsome but I also worry that it is a defense mechanism when you grew up with parents who thought you were too skinny or too hairy (I mean really people have leg hair get over it) and squeezed pimples on your face which likely left you with the scars you have today. He even said as much to me once that having grown up with this he just learned to block it out. I wish I had known him then so I could drop kick his parents into next week. I know he got some of his good parts from them but honestly I think he was dropped off by aliens sometimes since he never teases people about this and when he did try and “fit in” with some former friends who loved to poke fun at flaws it felt forced. No wonder they aren’t our friends anymore. But his parents aren’t going anywhere so we will just have to keep steering them away from such talk, especially after we have kids. If they even look at my children in a judgmental way oooooo there will be hell to pay.

House Guests for Eternity: Communicating Across Language

Communication is important regardless of background. But it takes on a special meaning in a blended family where each side has a different mother tongue and perceptions of how language should be utilized. English and Chinese are not just different because of how they sound or how they are written. There is a tone that is different. Chinese people are more upfront, which at times can be refreshing and at times can be jarring. Often no offense is meant by it but there is a certain stubbornness that comes with it that makes it exasperating to try and correct in mixed company. English is no less blameless. I only speak from my limited American point of view we are often looking into words to suss out a meaning, often negative or challenging our sense of pride, that really isn’t there. There is a lot of beating around the bush or saying things that we don’t really mean to get our way. And don’t even get me started on sarcasm.

Navigating this minefield with the grace of a ballet dancer is my poor husband whose native Chinese and nearly flawless English made him the de facto translator of our family. He manages quite well, and in doing so only made me feel worse for my albeit it growing by nonetheless nowhere near fluent grasp of Chinese. I hated having to always rely on him to make my simple sentences form into more complex thoughts, not to mention when I had to stare vacantly at him to help me understand. As someone who is constantly trying to get better at public speaking this in no way helped my confidence, especially when I did manage to get a sentence correct I was met with blank stares until family members remembered that I could speak at least some Chinese so they needed to pay attention to what I was saying.  But aside from these selfish reasons, the main reason I felt bad was I couldn’t alleviate the burden from my husband for translating for everyone and also couldn’t back him up during arguments with his parents. That is supposed to be what wives do but I could only catch a word or to; when combined with my desire to avoid confrontation at all costs this made me feel quite useless.

To combat this and continue with something that I do enjoy despite my lack of patience, I continued to both look over my Chinese text books and the subtitles in the shows we watched as well as observe like an anthropologist all conversations that I couldn’t understand in the hopes that I would internalize the vocabulary. I will  say this, my mini four month immersion did have a profound effect on my listening skills and to a certain extent my speaking once I was able to get over the fear of using the wrong tone and the vacant stares. As my husband and I continue to study together I fully intent to keep working on my Chinese so one day I might in fact hold full conversations with my in-laws.

One of the brighter aspects of my in-laws’ visit also centered around language learning. Since she could only complete a high school education on account of her family’s circumstances, my mother-in-law was not able to continue her passion of learning. One of those passions now includes the English language. I am not sure if this grew out of her children and in-laws speaking the language or if it began long ago but I am so proud of her for tackling this with such enthusiasm. While they stayed with us (my father-in-law quite reluctant but ever dutiful) they attended a free English language learning class. Each day my mother-in-law would come home with stories, have us check her homework, and cover our walls with Post It notes of all her new vocabulary words. It was a wonderful way to bond and also to practice my Chinese as I was forced to translate complex English words and grammar patterns. I am so glad that she was able to take advantage of something she was interested in, specifically since it allowed her a moment of peace and exploration of America since her class of course was made  up of other immigrants seeking new opportunities themselves. It made me remember just how much I love learning a language to use as a door to unlock a country and its people. And I hope that this shared love of learning will allow us to unlock aspects of our connection that have not yet found the right words.

House Guests for Eternity: For the Love of Food

Food is awesome. Let me get that off my chest first. I love food. I like trying new kinds of food (even though it makes my mother snarkily say “Whose kid are you?” since, shocker, like many kids I was picky when I was younger). A big part of my cuisine expansion was traveling to several foreign countries in high school and college, including China. As a result, I have tried most Chinese foods at least once (though I cannot really handle spicy foods, sorry Sichuan) and like the majority of them. Even Weifang stares at me with something bordering on awe when I ear certain things with no complaint, including ones he himself would never eat (yes, I did the tourist thing in Beijing and ate bugs on a stick. It’s all about the sauce people).

As a result, I have been quite easy going when it comes to food my in-laws cook, be it in China or during their extended stay in our house. Home cooked meals are wonderful. As someone who loves to cook there is nothing better than preparing a meal for loved ones and giving them nourishment in the physical and spiritual sense.  And it is a wonderful way to bond while learning new recipes and why certain foods are important culturally or have become certain family members’ favorites. Though I am sure it might have been just “Mom speak” Weifang’s mother would tell me which are his “favorite” dishes, something my ramen-loving husband never really brought  up.

I have to say though, as much as I enjoyed trying out new foods and eating old favorites, coming home to a wonderful smelling house, and eating together after four months it got a bit old. I did not cook for four months. I ate way too much food to not appear rude since we were “too skinny” for four months. I was barely taught any of the recipes for four months. This one hit me especially hard since I want to learn how to cook these meals so eventually I can teach my children and also cook for my family, including my in laws should they actually want to relax for a change. Coupled with the fact that they always praise my willingness to learn and criticize my sister-in-law for not learning it always confused me as to why aside from the odd dumpling or dishes that are very similar to ones I have taught myself to cook I was not taught.

The anxious part of me saw this as a way for them to always have an excuse to be in our house or stop by. “Oh my grandchild needs to eat more” or “Oh my son misses his favorites I will cook” or, the worst of all, “Oh you should relax you are too busy.” I appreciated the help and will always appreciate the help and love that comes from my in-laws’ cooking. But I worry that it will be used as a means to keep me in the dark and apart from what binds the rest of the family together since this food is not what I grew up with. Plus, since my mother in law always talks about having to learn everything herself after she got married I wonder why, like with other things she doesn’t seem to like about my grandmother-in-law, she wouldn’t want to break the cycle and use this as a way to bond. That is certainly what I would do if my children’s partners wanted to learn how I make certain things for Thanksgiving or other meals. Really, I just want to be included and show them that I can be a good daughter-in-law.

I am doing my best to not overthink on this too much. I know that as time goes on I will learn more and some of it just might have to be what my husband and I are currently doing which is try to learn a new recipe every couple of weeks or so on our own. I don’t want to politicize these wonderful family meals. And it would likely not have caused me as much stress if it hadn’t gone on for four months. But, just once I would like them to sit down to a meal I make and not complain about how “simple” American food is. I mean yeah, we don’t typically have four or five dishes for every meal it is true. But Chinese food, like American food, has both easy-to-make dishes and hard-to-make dishes. The whole point of visiting somewhere is to try out new things. Even if I go to a McDonald’s in another country I only order the dishes that are specifically catering to that market. It is one thing to miss your home cooking or stick to what you know. It is another to insult the cuisine even if you didn’t me for it to sound like that. I hate when American food is called simple. We have so many diverse foods and regions as a result of our amazingly diversified population including authentic and hybrid Chinese food. To me, like or family, there is much to learn, and enjoy about these two different and varied cuisines.