Twin Cycle of Worries: Money and Babies

Today just seems like a good day to get things off my chest. Both of these topics will likely feature in other future posts but as they have come up a lot this year I want to use the catharsis of writing to put my thoughts down on paper and start thinking about how best to mitigate them.

Obviously my husband and I are at that age where our friends are having babies, our families are at least asking (and at times outright demanding) about babies, and we are also discussing when we want to have babies. And we would like to have them sooner rather than later, no question. But we have two concerns.

One, which might be affecting me more than my husband, is the fear that I won’t be able to raise my child or children in the way that I want. Because let’s face it no matter how many people you talk to or books you read, or anything like that there is no one right way to raise kids. And, since I believe that having children is a largely selfish endeavor since you are having a child because you want one, you have an obligation to give your children the best possible life they can possibly have. And in turn I think that it is important to also understand that you will learn from your children and they will make you a better person. So of course I have the tried and tested fear that I won’t know what I am doing and will screw it up somehow but hey I’m not unique and there are parent groups for that.

But the other part is making sure that my children get the right blend of both my husband and I’s cultures. I am all for this since I want our kids to be global citizens regardless since having a healthy respect and wonder for the outside world is super important. Plus, I wouldn’t wish late-in-life language learning on anyone. So that isn’t the issue. The issue is that I am pretty sure that certain aspects of Chinese culture will find a champion in my at times extremely overbearing mother-in-law, particularly that grandparents are super hands on and at times actually live with their grown children. Now I am all for on hand grandparents as I did not really have that myself. But there is a difference in asking for help or having people over and having help and thereby opinions on what you are doing for the children forced upon you and I am pretty sure that that is what I will be dealing with. As someone who often shares fake health news articles with us I dread getting into an argument with her about what I should be feeding the baby or how I should teach my kids both languages or a myriad of other details. And this isn’t really a culture thing since this exists everywhere as my friends can attest. That presents a tricky angle to be sure but ultimately it will be a clash of personalities rather than an East vs. West mentality. I truly hope that I am speaking through an anxiety prism on this but I don’t think I am. I will only know after we have children and I just hope that I can bear it and that my husband will rise to the occasion and defend our choices like he claims he will.

A related issue to this is money. Of course a big concern for us in bringing children into this world is that we give them the best life that we can and that will involve money. My husband grew up poor so to him this is extremely important that he can provide for his kids. I grew up the opposite in an upper middle class family so for me there is a different worry that as I did not want for anything I will feel like a failure if I cannot provide my children with the great life I had with vacations each summer and the whole nine. Obviously these things take time to save for but given how the economy is and with the government situation these days things are looking bleak for our generation to live at the style to which most of us were either accustomed, hope to achieve via the “American Dream” or a mixture of both. All we can do for now is do our best to save and stick to a budget even in the face of events we don’t prepare for. All I know is I am teaching my kids about the value of saving and working early since it was wonderful that I was able to take unpaid internships but man does it make me feel inadequate that I don’t know all that much about and therefore am kind of afraid of money or rather the lack of it.

Now this cycles back to my in-laws, who were extremely generous in helping us with the down payment for our house, largely due to the traditional custom in China that the parents help the children get settled. To this day they still can’t believe that I was willing to marry Weifang before he had the big three of a house, car and job, something that is largely unthinkable in China. Now, I have borrowed money from my parents too when my husband was unable to work during his green card application and I fully intend to pay them back once I am able to save more than a few hundred a month. Paying my in-laws back for the house will take longer but of course we can do other things for them in the meantime. Here is where I worry since they are always willing to give us money. I don’t like being beholden to people even in generous circumstances like these. But I can’t help but worry that whomever controls the money controls the decisions and I don’t want to have to go along with arrangements just because my in-laws paid for them. This especially includes when we have children, which my in-laws think will happen sooner if they just throw some money at us. As I said before I will accept help but I don’t want it forced upon me and, frankly, I want to be a parent my children can be proud of by being able to take care of my own family. I don’t want charity and I sure as hell don’t want money with strings attached. I don’t think they have nefarious motives I promise but after being forced to have them as house guests for four months I can’t help but be skeptical.

So what can I do about these? Well aside for having good conversations about these issues with my husband and working on staying on a budget (both things that we have been doing) not much. These are situations where you just have to do the best you and can then roll with the tide once things happen. All I know is I will always do my best to be worthy of my husband since I know I lucked out and as long as we communicate we should be fine. Besides, my friends, after this summer, have all told us that whenever we want to escape should the House Guests for Eternity happen again their beds/couches are open I know I have places to escape to. So that is a big relief. So, as I write this on National Look on the Bright Side Day, I pause to be grateful for my husband, my growing self confidence, my growing willingness to speak my mind and put myself out there, and my caring family who for all their faults are good people who just want the best for us. And that is priceless.

House Guests for Eternity: Remember Love

These past few blog entries are just a taste of the ups and downs of the four months that my in-laws lived with us. I joked with friends that perhaps I would write a book about it and who knows maybe I will. I certainly won’t lack for material in the years ahead to pad it out. And it has been very cathartic to write this out to you all so thank you for your attention and your support.

I thought I would close this series  out (for now) with a lesson so obvious it should have come to me earlier but of course it took having to hear it on a podcast to really make a light bulb go off above my head. In her podcast Happier, specifically #124, Gretchen Rubin and her sister Elizabeth Craft talked about the importance of “remember[ing] love.” As they put it ” When someone is bugging us, often we can re-frame the situation by remembering: this person’s annoying behavior is an expression of love.” This in no way excuses the behavior. I still worry about how my relationship with my in-laws will evolve especially as my Chinese gets better so I will not be able to hold my tongue. But for the most part I can see that this behavior is coming from their own place of fear and hope. Fear that we will leave them behind, hope taht they can help make a better world for their children and eventual grandchildren than they had, the need to make sure that their culture is not forgotten. I hope that I have done a good job in letting them know that they have nothing to fear and that I understand where they are coming from. And that I will always appreciate them for influencing in their own way the wonderful person my husband Weifang has turned out to be. I also hope that when they look at me they too can remember love and see that I am doing my best to fit in and that all I want is to be accepted and treated with respect.

Because, in the end, isn’t that what we all want and need? To love and remember love?

House Guests for Eternity: Who Is Parenting Whom? Bring on the Grandchildren!

My husband and I always joke that having a cat is helping us get prepared to be parents, from feeding her to dealing with tiny creatures jumping on us at ungodly hours of the morning. But, honestly, his parents staying with us for four months likely prepared us even more. We had people sharing our space so we couldn’t get away. We had to give in to whims that didn’t always suit us and man could they get on our last nerve. But still we loved them anyway. And that included when we had to broker between the two of them when drama on both sides of their family caused them to yell at those family members and at each other at all hours, sowing discord in our household. I mean if we can look after two 50 year olds teens should be a breeze.

The main difference between taking care of Weifang’s parents and eventually having children of our own is choice. His parents dropped in on us with little warning and definitely overstayed their welcome. There was little to no choice on our part. We had to take each day as it came and only our love for them and each other kept us sane. Regardless of how scarred my psyche still is after being invaded for four months I am so glad Weifang and I came through this stronger and were able to be each other’s rocks through it all. If that is not one of the joys of parenting and magical aspects of a wonderful marriage I don’t know what is.

One major example that we both had to support each other on came not three days into their visit. And it was the subject of grandchildren. I know, big surprise. Weifang and I are planning to have children soon and we have talked about this with my family, his family, and friends at length. In fact, the last time his parents were here for our wedding we talked about this and they agreed that waiting a few years was fine. The Chinese zodiac was even on our side with the next few animals having good traits. So needless to say we were flummoxed by the fact that this time they decided that we needed to have kids ASAP. After all they had had Weifang when Weifang’s mom was 22. Clearly we were behind and now people were wondering if there was something wrong with us.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so violated that now they were going to try and take away what I consider to be the preeminent and most important choice that I will ever make. Weifang and I want the best for our children. We want to have a great environment for them to grow in and be able to support them in all that they do, not just monetarily but also spiritually and mentally. For someone who constantly brings up her past of being poor and wanting the best for her children, it hurt that my mother-in-law thought that I was damaged in some way since I too want the best and therefore wanted to wait. I am for goodness sake at 22 we were both still in school, something she placed as very important for her children since she could not complete it herself. And we weren’t going to get married for another two years. Why all of a sudden does our desire to be the best we can be make us bad people? I can’t believe that we basically had to restate to them our position and they acquiesced that we were right. I cried for an hour afterwards in our room after this.

I won’t lie, I am still terrified of this conversation. Sure I joke that for every time they mention it I add another six months to our timeline but honestly it is because on top of worrying that I am not good enough because I haven’t had children yet, I worry that I won’t be able to parent my own children. My in-laws are all set to help us out when we do have them and I am incredibly grateful to have both them and my parents, and my aunt who used to work with premature babies and all my friends who have recently had kids to turn to for advice. Don’t ever think otherwise. I will gladly take the help. But only when I need and, most importantly, ask for it  it. Like my choice to decide when I want to have kids, I am afraid that my husband and I will not be allowed to learn how to parent our own children because “mom knows best” or “you must be so tired” or any of those other ways that people will try to worm their way into our new parenthood. I really hope that this is just my anxiety talking and my husband means what he says when he says that it won’t happen and that if it does he will back me up. But I am still unsure. It is hard to stand up to your parents; I’ve gotten my head bitten off enough to prove it. And parenting is scary when you are in charge of this perfect little person. But I hope we have the courage to demand respect for what we want from our parents when it comes to help with our children and the freedom to just be the parents that I know we can and will be with time and support.

 

House Guests for Eternity: Self Esteem, What’s That?

Thankfully this title isn’t in reference to a question my in-laws actually asked me. But it might as well have been. I mentioned previously that Chinese, the people and the language, can be quite direct. Up to a point that is fine, but there is a fine line to be toed and that is in the form of personal appearance. My mother-in-law talks about her weight a lot, mostly in a nonchalant manner. Coming from a culture that does not like to talk about weight unless the person whose weight is being referred to mentions it first, this has always been hard for me. to navigate. But as long as she has been happy with herself or asks for compliments about how much weight she has lost I am happy to oblige.

Being curvier in China was historically associated with wealth but looking at the superstars today you would be hard pressed for that to be the reigning viewpoint now. And, like all parents, Weifang’s parents were determined to make us “fat but not too fat” to prove we were being well fed. Now I wish them the best of luck with this since we are both naturally skinny with high metabolisms but hey I love food so I would hate to disappoint. But what gets me is the “not too fat” part. Like I need to show a food baby but it better disappear before she outfits me in the latest fancy dresses she had had tailored or me. Or that I should stay this size since it is “perfect” and I look good in clothes. Now I love clothes and will likely be around this size for the rest of my life but what about when I have kids and my metabolism slows down? Will I be less than then? According to my mother-in-law I need to wear these dresses as much as possible before I get too fat for them after kids, to which I say challenge fucking accepted. I will wear these afterwards so screw your thoughts on how sexy I will or will not be after I pop out a human.

But that’s not even the worst part. Forget about what I will look like. With the exception of my hair I have always been quite body confident. I have been deathly afraid that the Chinese frankness will come out around people in my life who have struggled with these issues and don’t need a noisy mother-in-law pointing out their flaws. This is the same woman who laughs all the time about her own daughter’s baby fat. I mean really? The hell? Sure it’s fine for her to say things about the random woman we saw at the Chinese grocery store who was living her best life and enjoying some food in the cafe but god forbid I ask her to keep her opinions to herself about my friend who had just gotten married. Please don’t cry those crocodile tears to get attention and say you meant it as a compliment since wealthy people in Chinese history were usually more rotund. You can’t say that in the same breath as saying that I can’t get “too fat” and expect me to believe it. My friend looked beautiful and if you think she didn’t stress about getting into her dress and needed reassurance you would be wrong. I live in fear of her saying anything like that around my mom who hates having her picture taken because she is fat. My mom is not fat she is athletic and takes more after my grandfather who was himself a Navy officer. But she would definitely take it the wrong way if my mother in law said something about her weight. I pray that never happens.

I still am in awe of just how self assured my husband is about himself. Obviously I agree since I think he is super handsome but I also worry that it is a defense mechanism when you grew up with parents who thought you were too skinny or too hairy (I mean really people have leg hair get over it) and squeezed pimples on your face which likely left you with the scars you have today. He even said as much to me once that having grown up with this he just learned to block it out. I wish I had known him then so I could drop kick his parents into next week. I know he got some of his good parts from them but honestly I think he was dropped off by aliens sometimes since he never teases people about this and when he did try and “fit in” with some former friends who loved to poke fun at flaws it felt forced. No wonder they aren’t our friends anymore. But his parents aren’t going anywhere so we will just have to keep steering them away from such talk, especially after we have kids. If they even look at my children in a judgmental way oooooo there will be hell to pay.

House Guests for Eternity: Communicating Across Language

Communication is important regardless of background. But it takes on a special meaning in a blended family where each side has a different mother tongue and perceptions of how language should be utilized. English and Chinese are not just different because of how they sound or how they are written. There is a tone that is different. Chinese people are more upfront, which at times can be refreshing and at times can be jarring. Often no offense is meant by it but there is a certain stubbornness that comes with it that makes it exasperating to try and correct in mixed company. English is no less blameless. I only speak from my limited American point of view we are often looking into words to suss out a meaning, often negative or challenging our sense of pride, that really isn’t there. There is a lot of beating around the bush or saying things that we don’t really mean to get our way. And don’t even get me started on sarcasm.

Navigating this minefield with the grace of a ballet dancer is my poor husband whose native Chinese and nearly flawless English made him the de facto translator of our family. He manages quite well, and in doing so only made me feel worse for my albeit it growing by nonetheless nowhere near fluent grasp of Chinese. I hated having to always rely on him to make my simple sentences form into more complex thoughts, not to mention when I had to stare vacantly at him to help me understand. As someone who is constantly trying to get better at public speaking this in no way helped my confidence, especially when I did manage to get a sentence correct I was met with blank stares until family members remembered that I could speak at least some Chinese so they needed to pay attention to what I was saying.  But aside from these selfish reasons, the main reason I felt bad was I couldn’t alleviate the burden from my husband for translating for everyone and also couldn’t back him up during arguments with his parents. That is supposed to be what wives do but I could only catch a word or to; when combined with my desire to avoid confrontation at all costs this made me feel quite useless.

To combat this and continue with something that I do enjoy despite my lack of patience, I continued to both look over my Chinese text books and the subtitles in the shows we watched as well as observe like an anthropologist all conversations that I couldn’t understand in the hopes that I would internalize the vocabulary. I will  say this, my mini four month immersion did have a profound effect on my listening skills and to a certain extent my speaking once I was able to get over the fear of using the wrong tone and the vacant stares. As my husband and I continue to study together I fully intent to keep working on my Chinese so one day I might in fact hold full conversations with my in-laws.

One of the brighter aspects of my in-laws’ visit also centered around language learning. Since she could only complete a high school education on account of her family’s circumstances, my mother-in-law was not able to continue her passion of learning. One of those passions now includes the English language. I am not sure if this grew out of her children and in-laws speaking the language or if it began long ago but I am so proud of her for tackling this with such enthusiasm. While they stayed with us (my father-in-law quite reluctant but ever dutiful) they attended a free English language learning class. Each day my mother-in-law would come home with stories, have us check her homework, and cover our walls with Post It notes of all her new vocabulary words. It was a wonderful way to bond and also to practice my Chinese as I was forced to translate complex English words and grammar patterns. I am so glad that she was able to take advantage of something she was interested in, specifically since it allowed her a moment of peace and exploration of America since her class of course was made  up of other immigrants seeking new opportunities themselves. It made me remember just how much I love learning a language to use as a door to unlock a country and its people. And I hope that this shared love of learning will allow us to unlock aspects of our connection that have not yet found the right words.

House Guests for Eternity: For the Love of Food

Food is awesome. Let me get that off my chest first. I love food. I like trying new kinds of food (even though it makes my mother snarkily say “Whose kid are you?” since, shocker, like many kids I was picky when I was younger). A big part of my cuisine expansion was traveling to several foreign countries in high school and college, including China. As a result, I have tried most Chinese foods at least once (though I cannot really handle spicy foods, sorry Sichuan) and like the majority of them. Even Weifang stares at me with something bordering on awe when I ear certain things with no complaint, including ones he himself would never eat (yes, I did the tourist thing in Beijing and ate bugs on a stick. It’s all about the sauce people).

As a result, I have been quite easy going when it comes to food my in-laws cook, be it in China or during their extended stay in our house. Home cooked meals are wonderful. As someone who loves to cook there is nothing better than preparing a meal for loved ones and giving them nourishment in the physical and spiritual sense.  And it is a wonderful way to bond while learning new recipes and why certain foods are important culturally or have become certain family members’ favorites. Though I am sure it might have been just “Mom speak” Weifang’s mother would tell me which are his “favorite” dishes, something my ramen-loving husband never really brought  up.

I have to say though, as much as I enjoyed trying out new foods and eating old favorites, coming home to a wonderful smelling house, and eating together after four months it got a bit old. I did not cook for four months. I ate way too much food to not appear rude since we were “too skinny” for four months. I was barely taught any of the recipes for four months. This one hit me especially hard since I want to learn how to cook these meals so eventually I can teach my children and also cook for my family, including my in laws should they actually want to relax for a change. Coupled with the fact that they always praise my willingness to learn and criticize my sister-in-law for not learning it always confused me as to why aside from the odd dumpling or dishes that are very similar to ones I have taught myself to cook I was not taught.

The anxious part of me saw this as a way for them to always have an excuse to be in our house or stop by. “Oh my grandchild needs to eat more” or “Oh my son misses his favorites I will cook” or, the worst of all, “Oh you should relax you are too busy.” I appreciated the help and will always appreciate the help and love that comes from my in-laws’ cooking. But I worry that it will be used as a means to keep me in the dark and apart from what binds the rest of the family together since this food is not what I grew up with. Plus, since my mother in law always talks about having to learn everything herself after she got married I wonder why, like with other things she doesn’t seem to like about my grandmother-in-law, she wouldn’t want to break the cycle and use this as a way to bond. That is certainly what I would do if my children’s partners wanted to learn how I make certain things for Thanksgiving or other meals. Really, I just want to be included and show them that I can be a good daughter-in-law.

I am doing my best to not overthink on this too much. I know that as time goes on I will learn more and some of it just might have to be what my husband and I are currently doing which is try to learn a new recipe every couple of weeks or so on our own. I don’t want to politicize these wonderful family meals. And it would likely not have caused me as much stress if it hadn’t gone on for four months. But, just once I would like them to sit down to a meal I make and not complain about how “simple” American food is. I mean yeah, we don’t typically have four or five dishes for every meal it is true. But Chinese food, like American food, has both easy-to-make dishes and hard-to-make dishes. The whole point of visiting somewhere is to try out new things. Even if I go to a McDonald’s in another country I only order the dishes that are specifically catering to that market. It is one thing to miss your home cooking or stick to what you know. It is another to insult the cuisine even if you didn’t me for it to sound like that. I hate when American food is called simple. We have so many diverse foods and regions as a result of our amazingly diversified population including authentic and hybrid Chinese food. To me, like or family, there is much to learn, and enjoy about these two different and varied cuisines.

House Guests for Eternity: The Importance of Pets

For those that don’t know I am the proud adoptive parent of a black Burmese cat named Nefertari (so named after the Egyptian queen of the same name).

Thankfully neither of my in-laws are allergic to cats (though my mother in-law tried to say she was even though it was pretty clear she had an allergic reaction to some “medicine” she was taking). But from the get-go they didn’t really understand why we had a cat. In China (and I completely am inferring I have done no research on this) having pets is still a relatively new phenomenon and largely restricted to our generation. So there was little understanding that we have a furry friend for companionship and, in my case, therapy.

We had only recently gotten our cat when I had the anxiety episode that I have previously described that led to a lot of self-reflection and the loss of friends. So having Nefertari was incredibly important to me; someone who would sit with me, provide me with laughter, and offered someone that I could take care of that would push me to take care of myself as well. So I took personal affront to people who were telling me that my cat was dirty (she’s not), not well behaved (she is) and a health hazard to any children I may have (there are things I have to watch out for when I am pregnant but so long as I am careful nothing will happen and I have friends and family with pets of all types who have had perfectly healthy babies). A constant theme running through my head was “Be quiet and stop putting down something that is incredibly important to me.”

As the months went by *shudder* my in-laws gradually warmed up to Nefertari, offering her food and not freaking out whenever she was in the room. And while that was welcomed, they still lacked the understanding of how much she means to us by their lack of monitoring her and making sure she was safe. For people who want to serve as babysitters (more on that in future posts) they were not presenting a strong case when they would just let Nefertari outside without keeping an eye on her. The excuse always was “Oh she will be fine, she’s smart and knows the way home.” But that is completely beside the point. It has nothing to do with how smart she is and everything to do with the weather, poisons, dogs, cars, and people who could harm her. The worst version of this came when we had been out with friends and came home late to find Nefertari gone. Now as my in-laws were home all day she could have been out for hours. She did not come home until 2 am. I was beside myself but thankfully the adventure (which I’m sure she would tell me about if she could) ended happily with her safe return.

It was depressing to have as a goal for my in-laws’ stay that my cat would make it out alive. Thankfully that goal was kept but I shouldn’t have to worry about people living in my home not respecting the things I hold dear, especially if that thing is a living, breathing cat who has brought me so much joy in her 2.5 years with us. Maybe my in-laws will come around more with continued exposure but since I pray they will not stay with us this long again I may not have to worry about them and their cavalier attitude toward my cat. You don’t have to like cats or even pets. But if the person you are staying with does just be polite. I feel like that should be the central tenant of any house guest: respect the people, animals, and things in the house and you will get along just fine.

House Guests for Eternity: An Introduction

Disclaimer: Title courtesy of my awesome friend Joy Stephenson who is the author of the great blog Joy does the Thing. Check it out! 

WOO. Okay. Sorry for the outburst but I have been working my way up to talking about this for a while and I am finally going to jump in. As I have alluded to in many of my recent posts my husband and I recently hosted my parents-in-law for a long time. Four months and two days to be exact *insert joke about “but who’s counting” told to me way too many times here.*

Now given that they came over from China it would be typically for them to stay at least a month since they don’t see us often. But this time they came without a return flight and decided to stay until their visa expired (they left a couple months prior to that). So from May 11 to September 13 this year we had guests in our home. Now many of you will say “Unacceptable! Kick them out!” And you are right; it was unacceptable; it took away our time to do things that we had planned on and spend time with each other. It was stressful, particularly towards the end when they forced us to get involved in family drama and basically be the adults. It was hard on me in particular since, while my Chinese is decent, I often couldn’t fully express myself or understand what was going on (though this may have been at times a good thing so I wouldn’t explode and make things awkward). And it was very hard on my husband who was caught with keeping his parents happy/in line depending on the day and making sure that I wasn’t going to go into full anxiety mode which I am happy to report I didn’t. It is not something either of us care to repeat any time soon.

But there were good parts as well. It is the longest consecutive time I have spent with my in laws so I got to learn more about them. I got to improve my Chinese and learn more about aspects of the culture that no textbook can teach me. And I got to be even more proud of my husband for how he handled a difficult situation and feel like we can do anything as a couple.

So, going forward, I will do my best to write a least a post a week under this title “House Guests for Eternity: …” in which I will tackle themes that came up during their visit and what I learned about myself along the way. I needed some time to relax and enjoy the quiet before I started these to get my thoughts in the right place (there will be written frustration at times but on the whole I want to share what I have learned not vent or be rude; they are my family after all). So I hope you enjoy this journey with me and for those that have had similar situations I am here for you and you are some strong mofos because this is not an easy situation.