House Guests for Eternity: The Importance of Pets

For those that don’t know I am the proud adoptive parent of a black Burmese cat named Nefertari (so named after the Egyptian queen of the same name).

Thankfully neither of my in-laws are allergic to cats (though my mother in-law tried to say she was even though it was pretty clear she had an allergic reaction to some “medicine” she was taking). But from the get-go they didn’t really understand why we had a cat. In China (and I completely am inferring I have done no research on this) having pets is still a relatively new phenomenon and largely restricted to our generation. So there was little understanding that we have a furry friend for companionship and, in my case, therapy.

We had only recently gotten our cat when I had the anxiety episode that I have previously described that led to a lot of self-reflection and the loss of friends. So having Nefertari was incredibly important to me; someone who would sit with me, provide me with laughter, and offered someone that I could take care of that would push me to take care of myself as well. So I took personal affront to people who were telling me that my cat was dirty (she’s not), not well behaved (she is) and a health hazard to any children I may have (there are things I have to watch out for when I am pregnant but so long as I am careful nothing will happen and I have friends and family with pets of all types who have had perfectly healthy babies). A constant theme running through my head was “Be quiet and stop putting down something that is incredibly important to me.”

As the months went by *shudder* my in-laws gradually warmed up to Nefertari, offering her food and not freaking out whenever she was in the room. And while that was welcomed, they still lacked the understanding of how much she means to us by their lack of monitoring her and making sure she was safe. For people who want to serve as babysitters (more on that in future posts) they were not presenting a strong case when they would just let Nefertari outside without keeping an eye on her. The excuse always was “Oh she will be fine, she’s smart and knows the way home.” But that is completely beside the point. It has nothing to do with how smart she is and everything to do with the weather, poisons, dogs, cars, and people who could harm her. The worst version of this came when we had been out with friends and came home late to find Nefertari gone. Now as my in-laws were home all day she could have been out for hours. She did not come home until 2 am. I was beside myself but thankfully the adventure (which I’m sure she would tell me about if she could) ended happily with her safe return.

It was depressing to have as a goal for my in-laws’ stay that my cat would make it out alive. Thankfully that goal was kept but I shouldn’t have to worry about people living in my home not respecting the things I hold dear, especially if that thing is a living, breathing cat who has brought me so much joy in her 2.5 years with us. Maybe my in-laws will come around more with continued exposure but since I pray they will not stay with us this long again I may not have to worry about them and their cavalier attitude toward my cat. You don’t have to like cats or even pets. But if the person you are staying with does just be polite. I feel like that should be the central tenant of any house guest: respect the people, animals, and things in the house and you will get along just fine.

And Now a Demerit: Preconceived Judgments of Experts

You all have read my coverage of Gretchen Rubin and Elizabeth Craft’s podcast Happier. In addition to their wonderful episodes, they often end with describing their “gold stars” and “demerits” of the week, where they acknowledge their triumphs and areas that need improvement.

For me, I have had a slight uptick in a demerit these past couple of weeks that will no doubt show itself in the months and years ahead: preconceived notions about people. In this case, it has been reflected on experts that have served in some of the seminars I have run or visited our office for meetings. One was a panelist whom I had never met. One of my interns told me that he had arrived and when I walked into the room I assumed that he would be an older gentleman sitting at a table. Whether this was because I assumed that someone closer to my age would not have an old-fashioned sounding name or as many accomplishments as this panelist did (probably a combination of both) is no excuse. Luckily I did not embarrass myself by approaching the wrong person and was able to check myself once I met the actual presenter. As someone who is quite often the youngest in the group I was ashamed to have been ageist.

The second preconception happened just yesterday when we had a woman come for a meeting who had a name that is often associated with men. Luckily given that she was the only meeting that we were having I knew it must be her but I felt bad for assuming both gender and that such a meeting must be between men. As a fellow woman in this industry I should have known better and done some more research.

I know that everyone judges and has preconceived notions about people, be it age, gender, or race influenced. But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t call myself out when I do this and strive to do better.

This Week in Gratitude: Cabins, Nostalgic Candy, and My Tongue

1. Over the weekend one of my best friends (whom I hosted the bridal shower for and wrote about in a previous post) got married in the Shenandoahs just off of Skyline Drive in Virginia. The weather was perfect, the ceremony was moving, and the reception was great fun. Then came time to retire for the evening. As the ceremony and reception will held in the campground/cabin ground of Skyland, it only made sense that guests stay in cabins as well. I grew up camping and occasionally staying in cabins so for me it was nostalgic. For my husband, the cabin represented a quiet retreat in nature that allowed us to be both safe and one with the atmosphere (and this is coming from a man that loves staying in nice hotels!). So I am grateful for the wonderful setting for the wedding and the promise of future trips just as a couple in cabins to take advantage of nature’s beauty in comfort.
2. Speaking of nostalgia I was super excited when while buying Halloween candy: a pack that has Gushers, Fruit Roll Ups, and Fruit by the Foot. I am not a huge fan of candy in general, especially chocolate, so on the one hand I was like “Yay if I have some left over I will actually eat it!” The other part of me was excited to bring these to work and to give them out to children to offer alternatives. My interns certainly appreciated the nostalgia even if they thought that they tasted better when they were young. Those complaints got to me a little I admit but my happiness for finding them and for handing them out later tonight won the day over their lack of gratitude.
3. Now hear me out and don’t go into the gutter. On Sunday I got what I would assume would be a cancer sore on the underside of my tongue which has made it painful to eat and even at times talk. My husband thinks it is residual from feeling stressed this weekend, which is no doubt part of it. There is no rhyme or reason to why I got this but you can bet that once it is gone I won’t take my tongue for granted again. I miss being able to eat what I want and not having to try and think of how I can make it so my tongue doesn’t touch anything painful (it is super hard!).

House Guests for Eternity: An Introduction

Disclaimer: Title courtesy of my awesome friend Joy Stephenson who is the author of the great blog Joy does the Thing. Check it out! 

WOO. Okay. Sorry for the outburst but I have been working my way up to talking about this for a while and I am finally going to jump in. As I have alluded to in many of my recent posts my husband and I recently hosted my parents-in-law for a long time. Four months and two days to be exact *insert joke about “but who’s counting” told to me way too many times here.*

Now given that they came over from China it would be typically for them to stay at least a month since they don’t see us often. But this time they came without a return flight and decided to stay until their visa expired (they left a couple months prior to that). So from May 11 to September 13 this year we had guests in our home. Now many of you will say “Unacceptable! Kick them out!” And you are right; it was unacceptable; it took away our time to do things that we had planned on and spend time with each other. It was stressful, particularly towards the end when they forced us to get involved in family drama and basically be the adults. It was hard on me in particular since, while my Chinese is decent, I often couldn’t fully express myself or understand what was going on (though this may have been at times a good thing so I wouldn’t explode and make things awkward). And it was very hard on my husband who was caught with keeping his parents happy/in line depending on the day and making sure that I wasn’t going to go into full anxiety mode which I am happy to report I didn’t. It is not something either of us care to repeat any time soon.

But there were good parts as well. It is the longest consecutive time I have spent with my in laws so I got to learn more about them. I got to improve my Chinese and learn more about aspects of the culture that no textbook can teach me. And I got to be even more proud of my husband for how he handled a difficult situation and feel like we can do anything as a couple.

So, going forward, I will do my best to write a least a post a week under this title “House Guests for Eternity: …” in which I will tackle themes that came up during their visit and what I learned about myself along the way. I needed some time to relax and enjoy the quiet before I started these to get my thoughts in the right place (there will be written frustration at times but on the whole I want to share what I have learned not vent or be rude; they are my family after all). So I hope you enjoy this journey with me and for those that have had similar situations I am here for you and you are some strong mofos because this is not an easy situation.

Podcast Response: Happier with Gretchen Rubin (ep. 140) It’s More Important to Say Something Than the Right Thing

As I mentioned previously, I love podcasts, especially ones that make me think. One that I listen to quite regularly is Happier with Gretchen Rubin, who is the author of The Happiness Project. She, along with her sister Elizabeth Craft, discuss topics on growth and self development each week and this week (ep. 140) they discussed “It’s More Important to Say Something Than the Right Thing.”

This is so true on so many levels. One thing they covered in the episode is that there isn’t a correct response for every situation since it largely depends on what would be most helpful to the person going through the loss, crisis, etc. It brought to mind something that the host of another podcast I listen to brought up when he told us that he had lost his father unexpectedly a few weeks ago. He acknowledged that while people telling him they were sorry for his loss were coming from a good place that is not what he wanted to hear at the moment; in fact he didn’t want anyone to reach out at all because he wasn’t ready to fully come to terms with the situation. I thought this was incredibly strong and brave of him to come out and say exactly what he needed at such an incredibly difficult time. And at the same time it drove the point home for me that everyone needs different things at such times since for me I would want people to come talk to me about my dad (knock on wood not for a while yet) and reminisce about how wonderful he was.

I agree as well with the overall theme (and title) of the episode itself that it is better to say something than nothing at all, but you can still say the wrong thing. One particular event in my life illustrates this. As I discussed in a previous post in 2015 my husband and I were working to gain permanent residency status (the precursor to a green card) for him. It is a long, bureaucratic process that I wouldn’t wish on anyone and is further complicated by the fact that oftentimes due to legal restrictions people can’t work while they wait for this status as my husband was forced to do. I am not a fan of money on the best of days so this was incredibly stressful and due to the opaqueness of the process we often did not get any updates as to the status of our request beyond the “in process” default message. To top it all off our lawyer, while competent, was also not very responsive so that was an added pressure.

I was doing my best to hold it together but it was stressful, particularly since people, usually with the best of intentions, would ask me how the process was going. Since I could only tell them the little that I knew it only further stressed me out since I hate being at the mercy of things that I can’t control or, frankly, fully understand. What I needed from them more was distractions, the ability to just relax and have fun. And, as I do also think that it is important like Liz and Gretchen said, for people to acknowledge my situation since that would have made me feel like people didn’t care if they didn’t ask, to ask but to not try to make me vent. I don’t vent about things when things are normal. Sure I may express my frustration for bad driving, annoying things at work, etc. but I have often seen friends and family take venting to the extreme and just go in cycles of negativity with no resolution and, sometimes, don’t seem to want to resolve. So it has never been my coping mechanism. So when a now ex-friend told me that I needed to vent more about the green card situation and that it was weird that I didn’t I knew right then that she wouldn’t be able to give me what I needed because a) she thought her way was the best way and b) didn’t seem to care when I expressed how she could help me and when I did made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

So please do acknowledge others’ pain and don’t do what that same friend did before confronting me which was to ignore it because she “doesn’t like confrontation” even though all I was doing was just feeling sad and not as happy go lucky as I normally am. Acknowledge their pain first and foremost and LISTEN to what they want to say and then see how you can help. Please don’t make it about yourself. It is hard to be vulnerable during these times so don’t have us shut down further. We don’t want to feel alone but the bigger issue here is feeling unheard because there is nothing worse than feeling that people only care if they can put whatever you are feeling into a mold that they understand. This is not your crisis or your grief. We want you by our side but only if you can be our sounding board not a black hole.

This Week in Gratitude: Unsung Heroes, Spontaneous Date Weekends, and Clean Carpets

1. For me this week, my gratitude goes out wholeheartedly to the unsung heroes that make it possible for me to do my job well. Who does that include you ask? Caterers, Congressional staffers, Capitol Hill police officers, tech installers. A big part of my job is putting on the seminars/events/etc. for our office. To do this I need a lot of help and have to rely on a lot of people which is not always easy. But I need to give a shout out to all of these wonderful people who helped me put on a great program (in the early morning no less!) on Capitol Hill by answering my questions, helping me pick the best options, and, most importantly, having a great attitude about everything. You all are amazing and I know we (the royal We) don’t thank you nearly enough for all that you do even though we would be lost without you so from all of us, especially me, THANK YOU!!!
2. Maybe these are really sticking out in my mind since after having his parents stay with us for four months my husband and I were not able to have, frankly, any alone time and that included having weekend adventures. But I have always enjoyed our weekends together even if it is something as simple as grocery shopping. So just having my husband back to myself was wonderful. This past weekend was even more special because on Saturday my husband suggested all of the activities that we did, from a craft show to outlet shopping to dinner at our favorite restaurant to a trip to IKEA. I typically make the plans and am fine with that since I love to plan but it was so wonderful to have him surprise me with spontaneous activities since it lets his awesome personality shine through.
3. We rented a Rug Doctor this past weekend to give our carpets a deep clean after having my husband’s parents for four months and having to sequester our cat in our room during the night (she is not a clean eater) so having beautiful, clean carpets again is something I won’t take for granted again. It truly is the little things that improve moods.

This Week in Gratitude: Movie Audiences, Podcasts, and Autumn Weather

Sorry everyone! Definitely dropped the ball on getting this out on Tuesday. But that gave me a bigger volume of gratitude to draw from so without further ado:

1. Don’t get me wrong, people at the movies can be annoying. They whisper, kick seats, use their phones, you name it. But the reason I like going to movies, particularly when movies are just out, is catching that excitement that we all feel when we can sit down to enjoy a movie for a few hours. I’ve noticed this especially at premieres but it can even happen in our smaller theater for a good but not Marvel-esque blockbuster. My husband and I saw The Foreigner last night and it was quite good. But my favorite part was our aisle mates getting super excited whenever Jackie Chan took out bad guys with nothing but his wits and every day household objects. If that outwardly expressed glee isn’t your favorite part of the movie experience you are missing out because it makes it that much more fun.
2. I LOVE learning new things. And I love listening to people. So I was made to be a podcast listener. I just discovered a new (to me) podcast this week that is teaching me all kinds of things and making Excel spreadsheets go much faster: Stuff You Should Know. If you want to learn about a plethora of topics with two great hosts this podcast is for you. Here are other podcasts that I highly recommend: Rough Translation; Constitutional (and the predecessor Presidential); You Must Remember This; Hidden Brain; Invisibilia; Happier with Gretchen Rubin; TED Radio Hour; Tiny Leaps, Big Changes.
3. Yay, Fall is here! Now I can cuddle with my husband under our new (and very fast) electric blanket and my cat sits on my lap at every available opportunity. Not to mention the beautiful transitions in nature, new opportunities to score some comfy sweaters, and getting closer to my favorite time of year: Thanksgiving.

Ode to Mr. Robot

Now, I haven’t watched last night’s episode so no spoilers. For those who haven’t watched, USA’s Mr. Robot  ” follows Elliot Alderson (Rami Malek), a cyber-security engineer who became involved in the underground hacker group fsociety after being recruited by their mysterious leader (Christian Slater), who he later discovered to be the projection of his dead father. Following the events of fsociety’s five/nine hack on the multi-national company Evil Corp, Season 2 explored the consequences of the attack as well as the illusion of control.”

Yeah, pretty complex right? As my husband puts it a little too cerebral for his taste, which is probably why it resonates for me so personally. I am not a hacker and while 2017 has been incredibly surreal we are thankfully nowhere near the anarchic hellscape that is the United States post 5/9 (ironically the day I got married), at least for now. While one huge appreciation that  I have for the show is how topical and realistic it is, from its coverage of hacking and the vulnerabilities of cyberspace, it is the personal vulnerability of Elliot that has truly captured me.

This vulnerability is represented two-fold. First, is of course the dialogue and plot surrounding Elliot, which is as much about the fighting of his own inner demons as it is about the hack itself. Many anxiety sufferers equate their anxious and overwhelming thoughts as a malevolent presence in their heads and while thankfully mine aren’t telling me to take down “the man” in the form of my dead father I empathize with how different and thereby how lonely Elliot feels. The reason I have a tattoo of the mask from Mr. Robot plays into this as I started watching (binge-ing) the show when I was going through the most prolonged anxiety/depressive episode of my life. There is a gross scene where Elliot is forced by Mr. Robot to hallucinate and throw up the adderall that he has been using to drown out Mr. Robot. In defiance Elliot tells him “I will not be owned” and digs out the pills from his vomit and re-swallows them. As someone who has to constantly remind myself that not every anxious thought that I have is based on fact this line deeply resonated with me. So I got the tattoo to remind me that I am more than the mask that I wear and that it does not define me.

Now these scenes would not be so visceral if they were not acted out well with emotion and authenticity. So I am grateful that this role landed in Rami Malek’s lap and that he recognizes just how important it is. In his wonderful and well-deserved Emmy acceptance speech  (starts at 1:48) he told the audience that we are all Elliot and that is okay. And that permission, even if I didn’t know it right away, was what I needed to hear. I hope that I get to tell him this some day but in the meantime my Elliot on my desk reminds me to accept my inner Elliot flaws and all. And, let’s face it, we’ve all experienced Elliot’s inner monologue while at work.

 

Evaluate Your Life Day: Take Notice EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt

Today is Evaluate Your Life Day, which I think makes sharing the article above very appropriate. As a Marylander and, frankly a human being, the Chesapeake Bay is incredibly important to me. It provided some of my fondest childhood memories playing along its shores, hosted my wedding, provides endless beauty, and is the source of livelihoods for many people. So to me it is a no brainer that it should be loved and protected by wonderful organizations like the Chesapeake Bay Foundation and the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency where my dad and his colleagues have done and continue to do wonderful work despite U.S. EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. I find almost everything that he has enacted or tried to enact appalling and ill advised and trying to shut the Chesapeake Bay Journal down is just the latest example. Please tell me how you stated in your confirmation hearing that the scientific work and conservation of the Bay is a model for all other water bodies in the US only to call for shutting down one of the main avenues that researchers and concerned citizens alike can learn about what is going on and how they can do their part to help. I would really like to hear your reasoning. Please evaluate your life and your choices Administrator Pruitt. Because I have evaluated you and you are doing a horrible job. And Governor Larry Hogan you are on notice. Please join Senators Ben Cardin and Chris Van Hollen (thank you both!) and keep this resource available to us if you care about Maryland and its businesses as much as you claim.

First Try: Hosting a Bridal Shower

On Saturday I had the honor of hosting a bridal shower for one of my dearest friends who is getting married in two weeks. She was my roommate in grad school, a bridesmaids at my own wedding, and calls me the closest thing she has to a sister (I feel the same way). Needless to say, I wanted her combo bridal shower/bachelorette party to be as awesome as she is.

I’m going to spoil the ending and say that the party was a roaring success and everyone had a great time. We had high tea at a fancy hotel which a lot of the guests had always wanted to do and afterwards a small group of us also got dinner. It couldn’t have gone better and I am so glad that I could be a part of showing my friend how much she means to the people around her.

This was also a wake-up call for me in many ways. As the person in my friend groups who both likes to plan things and also take care of my friends I volunteered to set everything up. And by trusting my instincts and doing the research in a methodical manner I was able to use these skills to my advantage to make the party happen. But for other aspects of the party I had to get out of my own way.

I am someone who always responds promptly to everything, texts, emails, etc. So when I ask people to let me know their schedule it annoys me when I don’t hear back right away. And I am always unsure about how often to push people to respond, especially in this case when I didn’t know a lot of the others. Luckily, I asked my friend for help in tracking her friends down and got all the responses I needed. It was heartening to know that, though I need to keep working on it, my patience with others is improving and I am getting better at asking for help when I need it.

In a similar vein I was very anxious for the majority of the party because I wanted to make sure that everyone was having a good time. But as any host will tell you so long as you provide a good atmosphere guests can make their own fun and don’t need you to hover. My extra level of anxiety this time was likely due to the fact that it was in someone else’s honor that I was holding this party so it was not just my reputation on the line but also a memory that she would have in the lead up to her wedding. But, as with many times when my anxiety rears its head, I had nothing to worry about and just had to trust in myself that everything would be great no matter what.

I am so thankful that I was able to show my friend just how much she means to me and that I could grow in confidence as well as an added bonus.

Final verdict: Hosting bridal showers is fun!!