Fifth Week in Review: New Years Resolutions

Five weeks down! And now that January is over I have made it through my first month!  Here’s my summation of my progress.

1. Use my exercise bike every day. I had to do some catch up this week but got back on track. And now I have even more of a desire to keep up with this since it will help me with my fencing training.
2. Use my arm weights every day. I had to do some catch up this week but got back on track. And now I have even more of a desire to keep up with this since it will help me with my fencing training.
3. Write at least two blog posts a week. Though I don’t use it to write actual posts, it is nice having WordPress’ app on my phone so I can write down title ideas for posts throughout the week. Then I already have a jumping off point for when I actually sit down to write.
4. Find (and hopefully start) a new job in 2018. My dad is putting me in touch with one of his colleagues who has a lot of experience with Congress so it will be very interesting to hopefully sit down with him and see how I can become more involved. If anything I can make sure that I am a better and more informed voter by the time the midterm elections roll around!
5. Say Yes and No quicker. I am go glad that I finally said yes to myself and overcame my hesitancy to take advantage of the fencing class that Weifang bought me for Christmas. Though I was the oldest at my first class and have a lot to learn I am so excited to take part in a sport that I have long admired.
6. Use social media more effectively. I have really enjoyed using SnapChat more recently to keep better in touch with friends who use this social media more often than other means of keeping in touch. I will never use it enough to make long stories but being able to send Moe temporary funny pictures to folks has been great.
7. Drink more water. I fell off the wagon a bit with this this week since I did not adequately plan for having time to drink water when I was busy or distracted during the week. I hope to be better at this in the coming week since it is this behavior that has led me to not drink enough water in the first place.
8. Call a/on different friend once a week. I checked in on a couple of friends over the phone this week to see how they were doing after tough weeks. It felt good to be able to catch up with them and make sure they were doing all right. I am planning on catching up with another dear friend over lunch during National Harbor’s restaurant week on Saturday which is sure to be a good time.
9. Stay in touch, above all, with how [I] feel. Some of the courses that I was listening to on Lynda.com involved being a better listener and how to deal with difficult situations. It is hard learning things about yourself that you realize you could have done better or recognizing behavior that you don’t like in others in yourself. But at least by recognizing it now I can work to make my behavior reflect how I truly am and what I aspire to be. And it will help me have more empathy when dealing with others which is extremely important.
10. Study Chinese at least four hours a week. I didn’t study as much of this as I would have liked this week. But I am able to recognize more words when my husband speaks to me and able to use more words in conversation so I am on the right path!
11. Be even more intimate with my husband. Now that we are in the month of Valentine’s Day I need to figure out my plan. It sounds so unsexy but since we are both busy people and I should be the one to take the initiative since this is all largely on me I will do my best to find a day where we can just enjoy each other.
12. Stick to the budget my husband and I make. Even with paying for our vacation we saved around $200! Every little bit is a great achievement and I cannot wait to keep working towards our goal of saving around $800-1,000 when we do not have any big trips planned.

#metoo

This may be after the movement on Twitter when everyone was sharing their heartbreaking stories, but as we can all see by the news the need to hold folks accountable is sadly not over and still incredibly necessary.

I didn’t share this before since I, like most women, have faced harassment time and again throughout my life but I didn’t think it necessary to post about it. And it wasn’t because the harassment I had faced was not relevant because it did not (thankfully) involve any actual violence to my person. Whistles and catcalls can and do make me uncomfortable (just two days a go a man creepily said “Hello Mamacita” when I was walking home in the dark) and they are NEVER.OKAY. It was more because I felt like a fraud until taking time recently to talk with my friends about their experiences and read more feminist articles and literature.

See, sometimes I actually enjoyed the attention. I have never been top of the date-able list so yeah it was nice for people to tell me I looked good. I dress for myself of course but yeah damn it I wanted to feel like a woman too or, more to the point, what society has told me being considered a woman is all about.. So once I started think about the more uncomfortable encounters that I had had and those that my friends had had I was ashamed that I had ever considered such things okay and thereby didn’t feel like I deserved to speak up in a conversation that was more for people who had been truly victimized. I felt better and more comfortable to offer my support and comfort to those who needed it rather than make it about what had happened to me.

Until now. Before anyone worries I am fine and safe. Actually this couldn’t have happened at a better time since the person I am going to talk about is on vacation so I can have a moment to be with my feelings and proceed accordingly with what will best help me. This man works as a doorman in my building and has always been nice to me. Always asks me how my day is going when I get in, gives me a high five on Fridays, tells me I look nice. All good things and a great way to start the morning right? It was up until recently when he has been saying that I should stay down in the lobby with him, that he misses me, that he hugs me. And just recently he tried (and thankfully failed) to kiss me in what I believe wasn’t in an air or European cheek kiss-esque way.

This latest incident definitely took me for a spin. It is quite obvious that I am happily married as my husband comes to my office a lot (we work near each other) and so this man could not have missed us walking together etc. And it has presented me with something that, while I hoped I or anyone close to me would have to go through it, has helped me understand how it feels for other victims: the guilt that I did something wrong, the guilt of not making boundaries clear earlier, the not wanting to get someone who I do like as a person in trouble, to not have to go through rigmarole of HR or in this case building management, etc. Man it fucking sucks. No woman should have to go through this period. We shouldn’t be made to feel bad by society for going through something that we have no business going through because OTHER people can’t respect our boundaries (and I say people because sexual harassment comes from all genders AND applies to women who harass men or their female partners too).

I will also say that I am worried that I am making too much out of something. I don’t want to be perceived as racist and reacting badly to a cultural norm (the man is Latin American and having friends from those countries I know that being a little more expressive with affection is common). That combined with my over analysis as a result of my anxiety disorder makes me very scared to jump to conclusions. But, keeping these concerns in mind since they are valid, doesn’t mean that I should accept behavior that makes me uncomfortable. We always laugh at shows etc. where characters talk about how they don’t like PDA or hugs or whatever but these are valid concerns even if there is no sexual component. So in the interest of people just feeling comfortable it is best for those giving to ask if it is okay and those receiving  to be comfortable to say  “I appreciate the gesture but not really my thing.”

I have no idea what I am going to do at this stage. I have some time thankfully to work through this and get a game plan, even if it involves having my husband walk with me into work and leave around the time my other colleagues do rather than on my own so this doesn’t happen again.

To all my sisters (and brothers) who have gone through situations like this or worse know that you have my love and support. You are incredibly brave for taking a stand and sharing your experiences. Thank you for giving me to courage too.

Another Year, Another….Fortune Cookie?

Today is my 27th birthday. I have been thinking a lot about all that is happened in the past year, from celebrations of friends’ accomplishments to the ending of friendships, to visits from family, both welcome and not, to growth with my husband and best friend, and, most importantly, to re-examinations of myself and how I conduct myself in this journey we call life. I have become more open about my anxiety, gotten tattoos, been apologetic in my love of those that matter to me, and (still working on this) a giver of less fucks. So where should this new year take me? That is the question.

I am a lover of inspirational sayings and pithy life advice. One recently took the form of a fortune cookie that I got a few weeks ago: “Stay in touch, above all, with how you feel.” Now, sometimes it is hard for me to say exactly how I feel since anxiety ramps up my feelings to at times absurd levels but I feel like this is a great piece of advice nonetheless. I have put my feelings aside to make sure others don’t feel uncomfortable or that I don’t let folks down even if that thing makes ME feel uncomfortable. So rather than learning how to say no or say yes to things (I challenge myself all the time and am more than happy to try new things even if I end up doing them by myself) I need to be more comfortable with saying “You know what? This makes me feel x or I should/shouldn’t do it and who cares what others think.” Because that last part is the thing that messes up my progress: thinking about what others think even though most of the time the people who have and deserve my love would respect my feelings.

I need to trust my gut as my psychology teacher taught me in high school since oftentimes your gut is correct. In this case, I need to trust my gut when it says “Hey these are your feelings and that is okay. You are feeling these for a reason.” This might take me  the whole year but if 27 is anything like 26 oh what a illuminating and awesome journey it will be.

First Try: Full Face of Makeup

As an early birthday gift to myself, I decided that I was going to buckle down and learn how to do my makeup better. I have done the extreme of theater makeup where there are so many layers you forget what your face looks like to my previous norm of slapping on some foundation, a bit of mascara, and out you go. But I have envied friends, YouTubers, etc. who possess the talent, and it is a talent make no mistake, of doing makeup beautifully. So with that in mind I watched some videos and was ready to jump in.

I owe the ladies who work in the beauty aisle at my local Target a HUGE thanks for helping me find what I needed. As you can see, they recommended various brands for various tools and products which to me highlights what had often stopped me from taking full advantage of my interest: too many options to choose from. Additionally, Target carrying many of the good but affordable brands helps me get over my Sephora-guilt if you will about paying a lot of something that, with the right help and research, I could find at my CVS or other such stores. Now armed with the products I was ready to jump in.

I think that the picture on the right shows that I am at the very least good at following directions, be it what the Target ladies told me or the (very helpful!) descriptions on the brushes from elf. It was really fun slowly seeing my “face” take shape as I went down the check list. I can’t wait for this to all be second nature! And, shameless plug, but I highly recommend the Revlon eye liner that I got. It has, as my friend accurately described it, a pizza cutter-esque wheel that helps with actually getting the lines straight! My main goal is to accentuate my eyes more since I feel that they are my best feature so in addition to further experimentation with my new eye shadows I am glad to have a liner that actually works for me.

Now, I loved how I look and I got a lot of compliments. But there is something that I want to address that came up in two different forms. I am learning how to do makeup becuase I do think it makes me look a bit more polished and, as I said, I have deep appreciation for the art and talent that it takes from people who have gotten very good at it through patience and practice, two character traits that I want to work on in many aspects of my life. However, I was miffed when I was home and my mother told me that I didn’t need makeup to be pretty. I got a similar reaction from a friend who shares similar anxieties when I posted this picture on social media since I really liked how my husband and I look in it and wanted to express that my makeup made me feel good after having a successful morning. I know that they were both well-meaning but that was not the point of my doing my makeup. It is a goal that I set for myself and, while I do like that it evens out my complexion and so forth, I wasn’t doing it from a place of insecurity. I was doing it from a place of empowerment and shared interest in a medium that I enjoy connecting with friends in. And to my brothers and sisters who are amazing but do tie this into more of their self esteem there is nothing wrong with that. You are beautiful without it as well but rather than saying that I would simply compliment you on your fierce look and ask for tips. It is not my place to judge without knowing the motivations behind it so PSA please let us enjoy our fresh looks without unsolicited comments as to how makeup should or shouldn’t make us feel.

House Guests for Eternity: An Introduction

Disclaimer: Title courtesy of my awesome friend Joy Stephenson who is the author of the great blog Joy does the Thing. Check it out! 

WOO. Okay. Sorry for the outburst but I have been working my way up to talking about this for a while and I am finally going to jump in. As I have alluded to in many of my recent posts my husband and I recently hosted my parents-in-law for a long time. Four months and two days to be exact *insert joke about “but who’s counting” told to me way too many times here.*

Now given that they came over from China it would be typically for them to stay at least a month since they don’t see us often. But this time they came without a return flight and decided to stay until their visa expired (they left a couple months prior to that). So from May 11 to September 13 this year we had guests in our home. Now many of you will say “Unacceptable! Kick them out!” And you are right; it was unacceptable; it took away our time to do things that we had planned on and spend time with each other. It was stressful, particularly towards the end when they forced us to get involved in family drama and basically be the adults. It was hard on me in particular since, while my Chinese is decent, I often couldn’t fully express myself or understand what was going on (though this may have been at times a good thing so I wouldn’t explode and make things awkward). And it was very hard on my husband who was caught with keeping his parents happy/in line depending on the day and making sure that I wasn’t going to go into full anxiety mode which I am happy to report I didn’t. It is not something either of us care to repeat any time soon.

But there were good parts as well. It is the longest consecutive time I have spent with my in laws so I got to learn more about them. I got to improve my Chinese and learn more about aspects of the culture that no textbook can teach me. And I got to be even more proud of my husband for how he handled a difficult situation and feel like we can do anything as a couple.

So, going forward, I will do my best to write a least a post a week under this title “House Guests for Eternity: …” in which I will tackle themes that came up during their visit and what I learned about myself along the way. I needed some time to relax and enjoy the quiet before I started these to get my thoughts in the right place (there will be written frustration at times but on the whole I want to share what I have learned not vent or be rude; they are my family after all). So I hope you enjoy this journey with me and for those that have had similar situations I am here for you and you are some strong mofos because this is not an easy situation.

Ode to Mr. Robot

Now, I haven’t watched last night’s episode so no spoilers. For those who haven’t watched, USA’s Mr. Robot  ” follows Elliot Alderson (Rami Malek), a cyber-security engineer who became involved in the underground hacker group fsociety after being recruited by their mysterious leader (Christian Slater), who he later discovered to be the projection of his dead father. Following the events of fsociety’s five/nine hack on the multi-national company Evil Corp, Season 2 explored the consequences of the attack as well as the illusion of control.”

Yeah, pretty complex right? As my husband puts it a little too cerebral for his taste, which is probably why it resonates for me so personally. I am not a hacker and while 2017 has been incredibly surreal we are thankfully nowhere near the anarchic hellscape that is the United States post 5/9 (ironically the day I got married), at least for now. While one huge appreciation that  I have for the show is how topical and realistic it is, from its coverage of hacking and the vulnerabilities of cyberspace, it is the personal vulnerability of Elliot that has truly captured me.

This vulnerability is represented two-fold. First, is of course the dialogue and plot surrounding Elliot, which is as much about the fighting of his own inner demons as it is about the hack itself. Many anxiety sufferers equate their anxious and overwhelming thoughts as a malevolent presence in their heads and while thankfully mine aren’t telling me to take down “the man” in the form of my dead father I empathize with how different and thereby how lonely Elliot feels. The reason I have a tattoo of the mask from Mr. Robot plays into this as I started watching (binge-ing) the show when I was going through the most prolonged anxiety/depressive episode of my life. There is a gross scene where Elliot is forced by Mr. Robot to hallucinate and throw up the adderall that he has been using to drown out Mr. Robot. In defiance Elliot tells him “I will not be owned” and digs out the pills from his vomit and re-swallows them. As someone who has to constantly remind myself that not every anxious thought that I have is based on fact this line deeply resonated with me. So I got the tattoo to remind me that I am more than the mask that I wear and that it does not define me.

Now these scenes would not be so visceral if they were not acted out well with emotion and authenticity. So I am grateful that this role landed in Rami Malek’s lap and that he recognizes just how important it is. In his wonderful and well-deserved Emmy acceptance speech  (starts at 1:48) he told the audience that we are all Elliot and that is okay. And that permission, even if I didn’t know it right away, was what I needed to hear. I hope that I get to tell him this some day but in the meantime my Elliot on my desk reminds me to accept my inner Elliot flaws and all. And, let’s face it, we’ve all experienced Elliot’s inner monologue while at work.