Article Response: “Take a cue from Buddhists and Stoics and ask yourself these 5 questions to get through stressful times”

A few days ago I read an interesting article by Eric Baker for The Washington Post entitled “Take a cue from Buddhists and Stoics and ask yourself these 5 questions to get through stressful times.” I highly encourage you to read the whole article, which goes into great detail about five questions you should ask yourself when confronted with stressful situations to more successfully navigate those emotions and prevent them from hijacking you as Mr. Baker puts it. I decided that answering these five questions for myself since I am often in a state of low level anxiety would be worth a shot. Here goes nothing:

1. Is it useful?

As many people will tell you, worrying is often not useful. To someone like me with anxiety who worries a lot more than is normal often about things that they know aren’t worth worrying about and will likely never happen this is an easy question to answer but a hard one to put into practice. I have gotten better at it over the past couple of years by speaking my anxiety truth and saying things to the effect of “Even though I know it is not worth worrying about, I am worried about….” so people can skip over the not helpful “Don’t worry” phase and understand more about what I am feeling. I am also working to be better at finding the worries that ARE worth worrying about such as sucking it up and paying a bill so I don’t worry about late fees or getting on my job search so I don’t have to worry that I am wasting some good ideas that would be easier to enact at another place of business. I fully acknowledge that this is something I will have to work on for my entire life but it feels good to not be focused on the worrying about worrying too much and instead seeing how my worries can work to my advantage by making me more open and occasionally giving me a push to keep continuing to improve.

2. Does the world owe me this?

Hello, my name is Sarah and I am often entitled. This likely comes from a variety of sources. I am an white, only child raised by an upper middle class family (both parents) who as a result got most things that she wanted or at the very least was not prevented monetarily from achieving them. I am also very conscientious so that makes me thing that other people owe me politeness, attention, etc. because I give those things to them. I am working on being more woke as the kids today say to combat the former sense of entitlement as the desire to become more involved socially and politically demands that I take a step back and realize that the reason I have it so good has often (even if it was not due to my own actions) been due to societal norms that resulted in the repression of others. The latter sense of entitlement, that people (and as a result the world writ large) should treat me how I want to be treated is taking more time but I am working on that too. I do not deserve things just because I think I deserve them and also just because other people or the world deny those things does not make them malevolent. Everyone has their own thing going on so the best I can do is always be grateful when something happen how I want and to always act as the best version of myself so I too can contribute.

3. Must I have this to live a happy life?

When it comes to material things, I am pretty good at knowing that I don’t need the latest gadget or newest whatever to feel happy. I do less well when it comes to thinking that I need just a little bit more money to be happy or to be just a little bit more popular. And, while I would have some right to blame society for how I feel, I know that these things aren’t true. There are lots of things I could do to fulfill these supposed needs. Get better at budgeting. Take more advantage of just having friends over to the house to chill (kills two worries with one stone). Call people more rather than worry that I would be bothering them. Then I could have the things that would make me feel happier without worrying unnecessarily and thereby taking time away from the things that I have that already make me extremely happy: my husband, my family, my friends, my cat, my books, nature, etc.

4. Is this who I want to be?

Increasingly I can say that yes, this is who I want to be. I don’t know when low self esteem really started creeping up on me. Like many people I cannot pin it to one particular event. Nor can I say with confidence that I don’t give a fuck about things because as Mark Manson puts it in his wonderful book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck you have to and should give fucks about things. But I have gotten better and figuring out, as I said in #1, what things are worth my time and focus and, at times, worry. I will and have slipped up but I like the person that I am now much better even if she still has her sad days. Without those sad days and learning how to voice them better I would be nowhere near as grateful as I am right now for how kick ass my life is and how much more it can be.

5. Have I ever felt that way? 

The short answer is yes, I have felt this way. This question refers to trying to be more empathetic and compassionate with people so as to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It is not always easy since it can tend to talking about yourself rather than fully listening to what the other person is saying but it is incredibly important. I cannot tell you how being vulnerable and allowing someone else to be vulnerable has led to me strengthening my friendships with people. And, rather than venting, I find that empathizing is more beneficial both for me and the person that I am talking to. We can acknowledge the frustration but from a place of equality and one, I think, better situated to finding out potential solutions rather than just dwelling in the nasty thoughts we were having.

You Are Stronger Than Your iPhone

Before you go “No shit I’m stronger I don’t spontaneously com-bust or shatter if I drop on the floor” (at least I hope you don’t), hear me out. This isn’t about literally being strong than your iPhone but rather being stronger than your need for your iPhone or whatever technology you chiefly use to engage in social media, talk to people, etc.

As of writing this post my iPhone is locked and has been locked for over a week. And I will not be able to unlock it until next Saturday. I’m not writing this post because I am annoyed at this time frame (which I am), Apple (which I am for the unwanted update on my phone that caused it to lock but I do recognize their desire to be extremely careful when it comes to security) or myself for forgetting the password (which I am). Rather, I have learned some things about myself as I revert to using a flip phone (yep) in the meantime that are worth exploring so when I join the 21st century again I am better for it.

I bought the Trac Fone I am currently using to I would have a number that I could be reached at for emergencies and to keep in touch with people. However, I only have three numbers in there at the moment: my parents, my husband, and one of my good friends. Compared to the amount in my iPhone this is quite small. I put out the offer for my other friends who I text regularly to get my temporary number if they need it but aside from my one friend (thank you! <3) no one else took me up on it.

Now, I don’t mind taking a (albeit forced) break from my smart phone. What I hate is people having texted me and not being able to respond. I don’t like leaving people hanging since I hate that feeling myself, so between that and the feeling of missing out on updates and jokes in real time, I have really been struggling with my anxiety on this. It is hard to constantly remind myself that my friends will still be there and they won’t think that I am ignoring them since they can email, Facebook, etc. if they need me. This anxiety is likely due to my personality traits of always wanting to help others and be there for people since that is what I value in a friend. And this is a good trait, as long as it is used healthily and not manipulated like my mind sometimes does into paranoia that if people don’t talk to me they find my attention annoying. It is hard to get over people that have done this to me in the past but that doesn’t mean that I should project this onto my temporary separation from iMessage. The people I talk to are wonderful folks and I can take up with them when I return.

Additionally, while reminding myself of this, I am making a plan to keep in better contact so I don’t feel those feelings of guilt once I am back in the fold. I keep up with quite a few people but could stand to call more people rather than just rely on texting and also send more letters etc. Sure snail mail might not be as quick but I love getting postcards from friends and like making others smile as well.

There are other apps I miss (I am so direction-ally challenged that Google Maps tops the list) but the most important thing to me is staying in communication. But I am glad that this temporary setback has let me communicate better with myself and help me realize that how I am feeling right now is just a symptom of a larger concern. So rather than use my phone as a crutch I will use it more as the tool that is; one of many to show that I am cared for by the people I care about. Fear not fellow smart phone owners, you too are stronger than your technology!

First Try, Wedding Edition: Rent the Runway and Airbnb

Because life is too short to not try new things and also save money in the process for the past couple of wedding-related events (yes plural as it is that time of year and my friends are that age) that I have been to I have rented dresses from Rent the  Runway (specifically this one and this one). I love clothes, especially dresses, and have long wanted to expand outside my traditional style of dresses but wanted to make sure they would actually look nice on me.

Usually I would get dresses that I would wear more than once. Since this is often tricky given that they would have to go from night to day (since I work in conservative DC) it makes it hard for me to find things that I like. Rent the Runway solved this for me by checking off both boxes. I looked great (and got lots of compliments, who doesn’t love that) and aside from the rental fee there was no obligation to have to wear it again. Plus, I will always associate these dresses with good memories without feeling guilty if they languished in my closet like some of my other fancy dresses had previously.

The only slip-up was an almost nip slip with the second dress given my membership in the itty bitty titty committee not providing enough of a hold to offset the straps on my shoulders BUT that only happened briefly during a whole night of dancing so I don’t hold that against the dress at all.

Thanks Rent the Runway!!

Now, while as a guest at a wedding you get free booze and food and good times, you have to get your own lodging. Hotels for a night aren’t usually too bad and if you are lucky there is always a great friend’s couch to crash on (one for a wedding I went to recently came with a morning wake-up call featuring two adorable puppies!). But something that I had always wanted to try was Airbnb since many of  my friends had raved about it and it just seemed like an interesting experience (one I would never do myself but having house guests recently for four months likely cured me of wanting company, even sort term, anytime soon). Plus, the friends whose reception we were going to love to travel so it seemed like a fun homage to them that we do this.

The house we stayed at was wonderful. For $75 we were 10 minutes from the venue and quite close to a cute downtown for breakfast the next day. The room was clean, the house was new, and the hostess, while not able to greet us herself, sent her wonderful mother to give us the key and a tour. This couple had clearly embraced the cost sharing life style as in addition to us staying there they had people in their basement, someone else down the hall, and drove for Lyft. The way I see it, if everyone who worked in these service providers was like them there wouldn’t be all this bad press like the creepy stories that you hear about house stays or Uber trips done wrong. I don’t know about when we will do this again but this first experience lived up to my expectations.

Thanks Airbnb!!

 

 

Dance Like Three Year Old and Everyone Is Watching

Over the weekend my husband and I went to a wedding reception for two of our very dear friends. It was a great chance to kick back, relax, and celebrate love with numerous friends from our UD days (University of Delaware) that we had not seen in a while.

This also involved dancing. Besides the obvious fact that wedding anything = dancing, our friends, especially the groom, LOVE to dance. A lot. And a lot of that music is fast paced and Spanish-influenced (what the groom studied at UD). So very fast-paced and, as I put it to my friend, reminds me REAL QUICK that I am white and lack rhythm.

What helps me get over this embarrassment is that I am there for the couple and if they want to dance, I will dance as much as I can even if that is the tried and true method of swaying from side to side. But while this is effective, I never feel truly comfortable. Which brings me to someone that both inspires me and is worth emulating if not in dancing then in other aspects of my life.

I am not sure which side of the family she belonged to but there was an adorable three year old (a guess on her age but definitely a young toddler) that was right up in front of the DJ booth dancing the night away. Every so often her parents would pick her up and move her only for her to toddle back and keep right on dancing, complete with swinging arms and tireless jumping.

I don’t think I can ever have the courage to dance like that unless it is a 90s throwback song but that is probably because dancing has never been my jam. But I hope that I can express that tenacity and dedication to doing what I want to do in other parts of my life.

Dance on little one and let no one make you lose that powerful aspect of childhood: not caring and dancing the night away with no fucks given. You were the true queen of the dance floor.

 

Still Relevant: My Experience with America’s Immigration System

Disclaimer: I wrote this for the advocacy group FWD.us on the request of my friend Jing who is going through the immigration process herself. This is of course my own experience and as I mention I am well aware of just how good I have it and how lucky/privileged I am to have made it through the first round of this process with my husband relatively unscathed. But as we go through the second round of his permanent residency status (you have to renew after two years) what I felt then and what is still currently happening in our immigration system makes this post remain relevant. I hope that it provides some comfort to those navigating this difficult process and lets them know that the President doesn’t speak for all of us. I, for one, know that you are what makes America great and I wish you speedy application clearances. 

My husband Weifang and I met in 2009 at the University of Delaware. After having a class together we exchanged emails, kept in touch over the summer when he went back home to China, and once school started back up in September officially became a couple on the 5th after seeing Pixar’s UP as our first date. Over the past 6 years Weifang has truly been the Carl to my Ellie, my partner and best friend in all things, through challenges and amazing adventures. It was always hard to say goodbye to him when he had to go home and nerve-wracking while I waited to hear if his visa had been approved so he could come back to school for the next you and, more importantly, to me. And while navigating a cross-cultural relationship has its share of challenges (least not of which language barriers though I do speak some Chinese), it has truly made us both grow as people and gives us an additional special bond.

When Weifang asked me to marry him on July 27, 2014 all of my dreams came true. In front of our parents, who were meeting in person for the first time, we knew that we were beginning the start of a new adventure together that culminated in the most perfect wedding we could ever ask for on May 9th 2015 with all my family and our friends in attendance. On February 2nd we will have another wedding in China with Weifang’s extended family and with my parents so both sides of our relationship can be represented and celebrated.

In between there have definitely been challenges while dealing with the immigration process, which we began in earnest after we got married. Weifang had to renew his EAD card which allows him to work in the United States. As we were applying for an adjustment of status for him, we combined this with the overall green card process. All told, Weifang was out of work for 3 months before he got his card, a typical timeframe but nonetheless very trying on us. Twice I had to ask my parents for support as between paying for our costs of living and my student loans (a topic that also requires massive reform but not worth discussing here) my savings dried up. Some might say “Well you could’ve gotten a courthouse marriage so you could’ve started earlier.” And sure, we could have. But I find it insulting that we would have to have what I deem (though I mean no offense to those who actually prefer a smaller wedding) to be an impersonal wedding just to make sure that we could get what we need in a timely manner. If I may be girly for a moment I wanted our wedding to be not just what we dreamed but also a wonderful experience for our family and friends from China, a quintessential US experience if you will. The fact that people like us and my friends (one whose Canadian husband was out of work for SIX months while waiting for his EAD) have to wait so long for something that should be relatively straightforward is insane. I completely understand the need to conduct background checks, no question. But when this is a service that US taxpayers quite literally pay for I feel like we should both expect and demand better results. Weifang and I were beyond lucky because his work was more than willing to wait for him to come back no matter how long it took (his boss had to go through this herself being from New Zealand originally) and more importantly that he had a job in the first place and did not have to try and find a job while he was in EAD limbo like he had had to the first time he applied for an EAD. I want to send along my well wishes and prayers to all of those families out there who are not as fortunate and are waiting in that very same limbo for months on end with no one available to answer their questions. I truly hope that we can get this resolved so those that are going through all of the proper channels to work in the US can be rewarded with a swift process and the freedom thereafter to pursue the jobs that they want and deserve.

Now to the overall green card. I am happy to report that as of last night Weifang received his good-for-two-years permanent residency card and we could both breathe a collective sigh of relief as we are assured that now only a huge disaster can separate us rather than some unfiled paperwork. More importantly, I can rest easy knowing that as we touch back down from our wedding next February my husband will be sitting beside me and not prevented from returning to his adopted home.

Compiling the paperwork was not terribly difficult. We have amazing friends who wrote wonderful affidavits on our behalf and my parents were more than willing to help me prove that I could financially take care of my husband while he was going through this process. As I mentioned above, the biggest pet peeve I had with the process was the amount of time and the inability to get answers. Once again, as a proud citizen of this country, background checks are a necessary measure that should not be rushed through and I completely understand that. As someone for whom patience has long been a problem this was definitely a lesson for me but I nonetheless understood the need for time and caution even in cases like my husband’s, someone who had been granted visas again and again and who already was qualified to work here. Once we got to the actual interview (which by the way is NOT like the movie The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds so don’t worry about knowing the color of someone’s toothbrush) we received out approval that day and got the card in 2 weeks. A wonderful early Christmas present and absolutely worth the effort to have my best friend by my side.

The worst part of this experience is something that should be addressed and that is how powerless this system can make you feel. I mean, we are going up against the federal government with nothing but hope and internet forums that, while helpful, do not describe a one-size-fits-all experience. There should be some way that we as appliers should be able to learn more about the status of our case, the best means about getting the information we need to submit, and just the ability to talk to actual people. When we would go to the regional office to ask questions or get our interview, the real people involved in looking over our cases were wonderful and helpful. But on the average day you cannot get that support. All you get is a static progress tab on the website that never changes until the last minute, letters asking for evidence that arrive weeks late and end up delaying the process, and explicit instructions that you cannot contact anyone about your case until after months have gone by whereupon they will then “look into the reason for the delay” which helps you none when all you want is peace of mind. When we actually talked to employees at the regional office they expressed frustration with their own inability to help couples like us because of lack of funds (again though we pay for these services they continue to face cuts) and miles of red tape. How is that any way to run a business, much less a federal service which many depend on and which politicians tout as the way that everyone should get into this country? I am in no way advocating for illegal immigration but facing this level of bureaucracy I can see the appeal, especially when your family needs money yesterday. As someone who grew up in a privileged background I have never had to deal with such situations of near desperation before and while my own desperation was minimal compared to what others face it was on its way to destroying parts of myself that previously had been naively kept safe. It definitely made me more grateful for what I have and started a fire in my belly about something that I have acknowledged needed fixing but now that I have been on the inside want to see changed.

One final note I will leave is the need for people applying for green cards, work visas, etc. is the need for a lawyer. Our lawyer did his job but on the whole caused more stress than he alleviated. Despite me asking him numerous times to review our paperwork he delayed the filing by looking at it at the last minute and then stated “Oh you need such and such.” During the process he was largely unresponsive to emails and phone calls, mostly just telling us in a condescending manner to “calm down” rather than explaining to us what was going on. As someone who had had to go through this process with his own wife I was expecting more compassion but didn’t receive any. The best part was when he showed up late to our interview, forcing us to waive our right to counsel since apparently something that would greatly affect our lives was not worth his time. During the interview our case worker told us not to worry since even if they do show up lawyers would just “sit at the back and not do anything;” he even had a lawyer fall asleep while he was interviewing a couple. We basically paid $2000 for a rubber stamp that ultimately won’t care one way or the other about what happens with our case (though he sent us a congratulatory email with lots of exclamation points and then had the gall to ask us to rate his services). I am in no way generalizing that all immigration lawyers are like this; I know for a fact there are many caring individuals who go above and beyond to help their clients. But I feel, from what I have heard from friends who have also gone through this process, that often our needs are not being met. When you are going through something this stressful you want someone who will actually advocate on your behalf. Even if they are running into the same red tape that we do it would be nice to know from time to time that they care and are in our corner.

My husband and I’s case turned out in the way that we hoped for and we are excited to start this next phase in our adventure. But that does not mean we do not worry about friends and family who are going through this process themselves. This system needs to change to show that the United States cares more about the people than the paperwork. Safety and security should not be sacrificed but there needs to be the understanding that the majority of the people going through this want to help make this country and, in turn, themselves better. And I think that as it stands right now this system has lost sight of that. So if I may address the US Government directly I would tell them to protect and respect their foundation or risk seeing it crumble around them.

Well That Was Awkward: Accidental Uber Driver

Scene: My husband and I waiting in our car, a white BMW SUV, for our friend to come downstairs from her apartment with a parking pass. We hear someone open our door and get in.

Enter: Skinny white man looking like a less handsome version of John Oliver in a black and purple plaid shirt and jeans. This is not my friend.

Me [while still on the phone with my friend]: “Excuse me sir, can we help you?”

John Oliver: “Is this an Uber?”

Me: “Um, no…. this is our personal car.”

John Oliver [cue scrambling to unbuckle seatbelt and various rushed apologies as he exits the vehicle]

Husband [stunned silence]

Me [WTF]

Not two minutes later we see John Oliver get into what we presumed to be his actual Uber since that driver didn’t kick him out. The best part? It was a gray sedan.

Now, call me crazy, but I have ridden in various ride shares before and they A) Usually tell you what they are driving and B) usually call you when they arrive.

This caused great shock and hilarity with my friends when I shared it on Facebook but we were lucky that this man was not a threat, that he was able to ultimately succeed in getting his ride, and that it all turned out fine.

Uber riders:  PLEASE PAY ATTENTION and don’t get into strangers’ cars. There are stickers and fallbacks for a reason. Not every driver will be as relatively calm as us upon receiving an unexpected passenger.

Normal drivers; PLEASE keep your doors locked even when you assume you are in a safe, normal location like a busy apartment parking lot. There can clearly be lots of confusion (a lack of a proper grasp of car makes and colors) so stay alert.

Be safe, be smart, and when things like this happen learn the lesson but also take a chance to laugh at the absurdity. That’s all we can do in this crazy ride called life.