If Love Is an Open Door, I Need a Doorstop

One of the tasks assigned in my accountability group a week or so ago was to choose a value and see how you currently interpret it and how you can be better at achieving it. I am not one that actively pursues values in so explicit a manner so after googling “values” I alighted upon “openness” as one that sounded good.

I have long considered myself an open person. I generally see the best in people and their motivations and am more than willing to learn about things that I am not as well versed on or familiar with. Since last year I have been trying to be even more so with the books I read and the conversations I have with others about topics that confront my ignorance and my privilege like race, gender identity, and (though to a lesser degree) politics. I see this process as a life long pursuit and, quite frankly, that is how it should be since I will never be omnipotent nor should I give off the attitude that I am.

Since partaking in this exercise I have definitely caught myself at times not being open to opinions that are contradictory to my own. There are issues that range from trivial like sports to more difficult like race that I see instances where I need to be more open to other opinions. A good deal of this stems from long held feelings of people not really listening to me so I feel that if I accept something that goes, even in some small way, against my current opinion that only serves to prove that my opinion is still not valid so I can be dismissive. But rather than making me feel better this only reinforces the stereotype that I am a know-it-all and that I should work to fix this behavior in myself so I can contribute to a better dialogue. So what if people are bad in their delivery? That can still annoy me but it shouldn’t diminish what they have to say. Lord only knows that I need all the help I can get when I am trying to make myself understood.

So though it is difficult and can be uncomfortable I choose openness. After all, openness is the only way that the problems can be examined from all sides out in the open so we can see what can truly be done about it.

House Guests for Eternity: Self Esteem, What’s That?

Thankfully this title isn’t in reference to a question my in-laws actually asked me. But it might as well have been. I mentioned previously that Chinese, the people and the language, can be quite direct. Up to a point that is fine, but there is a fine line to be toed and that is in the form of personal appearance. My mother-in-law talks about her weight a lot, mostly in a nonchalant manner. Coming from a culture that does not like to talk about weight unless the person whose weight is being referred to mentions it first, this has always been hard for me. to navigate. But as long as she has been happy with herself or asks for compliments about how much weight she has lost I am happy to oblige.

Being curvier in China was historically associated with wealth but looking at the superstars today you would be hard pressed for that to be the reigning viewpoint now. And, like all parents, Weifang’s parents were determined to make us “fat but not too fat” to prove we were being well fed. Now I wish them the best of luck with this since we are both naturally skinny with high metabolisms but hey I love food so I would hate to disappoint. But what gets me is the “not too fat” part. Like I need to show a food baby but it better disappear before she outfits me in the latest fancy dresses she had had tailored or me. Or that I should stay this size since it is “perfect” and I look good in clothes. Now I love clothes and will likely be around this size for the rest of my life but what about when I have kids and my metabolism slows down? Will I be less than then? According to my mother-in-law I need to wear these dresses as much as possible before I get too fat for them after kids, to which I say challenge fucking accepted. I will wear these afterwards so screw your thoughts on how sexy I will or will not be after I pop out a human.

But that’s not even the worst part. Forget about what I will look like. With the exception of my hair I have always been quite body confident. I have been deathly afraid that the Chinese frankness will come out around people in my life who have struggled with these issues and don’t need a noisy mother-in-law pointing out their flaws. This is the same woman who laughs all the time about her own daughter’s baby fat. I mean really? The hell? Sure it’s fine for her to say things about the random woman we saw at the Chinese grocery store who was living her best life and enjoying some food in the cafe but god forbid I ask her to keep her opinions to herself about my friend who had just gotten married. Please don’t cry those crocodile tears to get attention and say you meant it as a compliment since wealthy people in Chinese history were usually more rotund. You can’t say that in the same breath as saying that I can’t get “too fat” and expect me to believe it. My friend looked beautiful and if you think she didn’t stress about getting into her dress and needed reassurance you would be wrong. I live in fear of her saying anything like that around my mom who hates having her picture taken because she is fat. My mom is not fat she is athletic and takes more after my grandfather who was himself a Navy officer. But she would definitely take it the wrong way if my mother in law said something about her weight. I pray that never happens.

I still am in awe of just how self assured my husband is about himself. Obviously I agree since I think he is super handsome but I also worry that it is a defense mechanism when you grew up with parents who thought you were too skinny or too hairy (I mean really people have leg hair get over it) and squeezed pimples on your face which likely left you with the scars you have today. He even said as much to me once that having grown up with this he just learned to block it out. I wish I had known him then so I could drop kick his parents into next week. I know he got some of his good parts from them but honestly I think he was dropped off by aliens sometimes since he never teases people about this and when he did try and “fit in” with some former friends who loved to poke fun at flaws it felt forced. No wonder they aren’t our friends anymore. But his parents aren’t going anywhere so we will just have to keep steering them away from such talk, especially after we have kids. If they even look at my children in a judgmental way oooooo there will be hell to pay.

First Try: Full Face of Makeup

As an early birthday gift to myself, I decided that I was going to buckle down and learn how to do my makeup better. I have done the extreme of theater makeup where there are so many layers you forget what your face looks like to my previous norm of slapping on some foundation, a bit of mascara, and out you go. But I have envied friends, YouTubers, etc. who possess the talent, and it is a talent make no mistake, of doing makeup beautifully. So with that in mind I watched some videos and was ready to jump in.

I owe the ladies who work in the beauty aisle at my local Target a HUGE thanks for helping me find what I needed. As you can see, they recommended various brands for various tools and products which to me highlights what had often stopped me from taking full advantage of my interest: too many options to choose from. Additionally, Target carrying many of the good but affordable brands helps me get over my Sephora-guilt if you will about paying a lot of something that, with the right help and research, I could find at my CVS or other such stores. Now armed with the products I was ready to jump in.

I think that the picture on the right shows that I am at the very least good at following directions, be it what the Target ladies told me or the (very helpful!) descriptions on the brushes from elf. It was really fun slowly seeing my “face” take shape as I went down the check list. I can’t wait for this to all be second nature! And, shameless plug, but I highly recommend the Revlon eye liner that I got. It has, as my friend accurately described it, a pizza cutter-esque wheel that helps with actually getting the lines straight! My main goal is to accentuate my eyes more since I feel that they are my best feature so in addition to further experimentation with my new eye shadows I am glad to have a liner that actually works for me.

Now, I loved how I look and I got a lot of compliments. But there is something that I want to address that came up in two different forms. I am learning how to do makeup becuase I do think it makes me look a bit more polished and, as I said, I have deep appreciation for the art and talent that it takes from people who have gotten very good at it through patience and practice, two character traits that I want to work on in many aspects of my life. However, I was miffed when I was home and my mother told me that I didn’t need makeup to be pretty. I got a similar reaction from a friend who shares similar anxieties when I posted this picture on social media since I really liked how my husband and I look in it and wanted to express that my makeup made me feel good after having a successful morning. I know that they were both well-meaning but that was not the point of my doing my makeup. It is a goal that I set for myself and, while I do like that it evens out my complexion and so forth, I wasn’t doing it from a place of insecurity. I was doing it from a place of empowerment and shared interest in a medium that I enjoy connecting with friends in. And to my brothers and sisters who are amazing but do tie this into more of their self esteem there is nothing wrong with that. You are beautiful without it as well but rather than saying that I would simply compliment you on your fierce look and ask for tips. It is not my place to judge without knowing the motivations behind it so PSA please let us enjoy our fresh looks without unsolicited comments as to how makeup should or shouldn’t make us feel.

House Guests for Eternity: An Introduction

Disclaimer: Title courtesy of my awesome friend Joy Stephenson who is the author of the great blog Joy does the Thing. Check it out! 

WOO. Okay. Sorry for the outburst but I have been working my way up to talking about this for a while and I am finally going to jump in. As I have alluded to in many of my recent posts my husband and I recently hosted my parents-in-law for a long time. Four months and two days to be exact *insert joke about “but who’s counting” told to me way too many times here.*

Now given that they came over from China it would be typically for them to stay at least a month since they don’t see us often. But this time they came without a return flight and decided to stay until their visa expired (they left a couple months prior to that). So from May 11 to September 13 this year we had guests in our home. Now many of you will say “Unacceptable! Kick them out!” And you are right; it was unacceptable; it took away our time to do things that we had planned on and spend time with each other. It was stressful, particularly towards the end when they forced us to get involved in family drama and basically be the adults. It was hard on me in particular since, while my Chinese is decent, I often couldn’t fully express myself or understand what was going on (though this may have been at times a good thing so I wouldn’t explode and make things awkward). And it was very hard on my husband who was caught with keeping his parents happy/in line depending on the day and making sure that I wasn’t going to go into full anxiety mode which I am happy to report I didn’t. It is not something either of us care to repeat any time soon.

But there were good parts as well. It is the longest consecutive time I have spent with my in laws so I got to learn more about them. I got to improve my Chinese and learn more about aspects of the culture that no textbook can teach me. And I got to be even more proud of my husband for how he handled a difficult situation and feel like we can do anything as a couple.

So, going forward, I will do my best to write a least a post a week under this title “House Guests for Eternity: …” in which I will tackle themes that came up during their visit and what I learned about myself along the way. I needed some time to relax and enjoy the quiet before I started these to get my thoughts in the right place (there will be written frustration at times but on the whole I want to share what I have learned not vent or be rude; they are my family after all). So I hope you enjoy this journey with me and for those that have had similar situations I am here for you and you are some strong mofos because this is not an easy situation.

Evaluate Your Life Day: Take Notice EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt

Today is Evaluate Your Life Day, which I think makes sharing the article above very appropriate. As a Marylander and, frankly a human being, the Chesapeake Bay is incredibly important to me. It provided some of my fondest childhood memories playing along its shores, hosted my wedding, provides endless beauty, and is the source of livelihoods for many people. So to me it is a no brainer that it should be loved and protected by wonderful organizations like the Chesapeake Bay Foundation and the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency where my dad and his colleagues have done and continue to do wonderful work despite U.S. EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. I find almost everything that he has enacted or tried to enact appalling and ill advised and trying to shut the Chesapeake Bay Journal down is just the latest example. Please tell me how you stated in your confirmation hearing that the scientific work and conservation of the Bay is a model for all other water bodies in the US only to call for shutting down one of the main avenues that researchers and concerned citizens alike can learn about what is going on and how they can do their part to help. I would really like to hear your reasoning. Please evaluate your life and your choices Administrator Pruitt. Because I have evaluated you and you are doing a horrible job. And Governor Larry Hogan you are on notice. Please join Senators Ben Cardin and Chris Van Hollen (thank you both!) and keep this resource available to us if you care about Maryland and its businesses as much as you claim.